REGGIN Please (Pronounced Red-Gin with a soft "G")

"Grab the keys to the five, call my niggas reggins on the cell, bring some weed beer, I got a story to tell."

Notorious B.I.G

As some of you already know, this past weekend, I was involved in a fairly nasty three-car-pile-up.

And though after 3 days, I've finally resigned myself to the fact that for the next month, I’ll more-than-likely be riding around in some God-awful, compact, rental car; equipped with 15 inch hubcaps, manual windows, and cloth interior;  I’m still really upset about it…

It all happened on Saturday evening as I was travelling from a Howard University Homecoming tail gate party, to the after party at the bar; when some girl driving a Toyota Prius, (I later learned her name was Lashonda Hightower) with her toddler daughter (Dashonda Hightower) in the backseat, rear ended me, after she was rear ended by another dude (who I later learned was named Reggie Wilson) driving a Toyota Camry…

Lashonda claims that her "short stop" was caused by a "bus” that suddenly slammed the brakes in front of her. Causing Reggie's Camry to run into the back her car, propelling her car into mine.

Seeing as how Ms. Hightower came careening into me, and not a bus, I remain perplexed as to just what “bus” stopped short in front of her… And so with that, I am irate.

And while I was able to maintain my composure & refrain from going all animal thug at the scene of the accident, (for a number of reasons), including the fact that I was mildly contemplating spitting game at Lashonda... I mean, she was nothing to write home about: Brown-skinned, weave, bicep tattoo, and one 3rd-helping of sweet potato pie at Thanksgiving dinner away from transitioning from "thick" to "too thick"... You know, pretty much your "Standard Native-DC Nubian"...

But seeing as we were just 8 days out from the start of 2011 Cuffin' Season, I have resorted to grasping for straws. So yeah, I considered spitting game. That was until I witnessed Lashonda slam her cell phone on the passenger seat of her car and heard her tell her toddler daughter, Dashonda:

“Your bitch-ass daddy must be havin’ a helluva good time with one of his skinny little whores because he won’t pick-up his G*d damn phone. That m*thfucker stay lunchin. I know he hears his phone ringing. That bastard just tweeted like 5 minutes ago..”

And so with that, I decided it was probably in my best interest to leave her be.(Though apparently Reggie had decided otherwise, as I later saw him try to go in for the kill.). Speaking of Reggie, I turned around to the Toyota Camry, and saw him light up a Black & Mild... I shook my head as I realized that I was surrounded by #reggins... At that point my own #reggin alarm went off in my own head, and I scurried back to my car to take the 5 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade ( that I had smuggled from the tailgate) that were on the passenger seat, and coyly stash them in the trunk before the police arrived on the scene.

Anyway, today I picked up the accident report from the police station…Upon returning home, I decided I needed to investigate further, as to figure out just how far the claims process had progressed.

Initially, I was a little worried about Reggie trying to pull a fast one, as at the scene of the accident, he had stated that the Camry he was driving belonged to his mother…

As I scanned the accident report, I noticed that his insurance company was listed as “North Carolina Auto Insurance Company.” And of course I thought WTF #reggin ass company is that? But you know how #reggins are; they're not happy unless they're employing the most bootleg companies on the open market.

And so after continuing to scan the accident report, and surprisingly seeing that Lashonda Hightower's insurance company was the very reputable, State Farm, I decided to call them first.

The first issue that I encountered with State Farm was pertaining to their decentralized business model… These mofos tried to to transfer me to every incompetent, independent #reggin sales agent, up & down the East Coast.

The first number I called, was some bloodthirsty #reggin, actually named Willis Jackson, who apparently decided to ignore my repeated requests to be transferred to claims, and instead attempted to try to push a new, full-coverage auto policy, fully-equipped with no-cost, cracked-windshield  service & new car replacement coverage... I reiterated to Mr. Jackson that I was not interested. And that I needed to be transferred to the claims department.

And with that, Willis transferred me to another State farm rep, whom of course was yet another #reggin. This time, Tyisha Jenkins… Tyisha, seemingly in desperate need of a commission, attempted to hock a homeowners policy to me, TWICE, despite the fact that I had clearly declined her gorilla sales tactics, politely explaining to her that I was “all set” on homeowners insurance.

And that is when Tyisha decided to transfer me to the king of all #reggins; Carmello Jackson…  Mr. Jackson, upon picking up the phone immediately apologized for any unclear verbatim, as he explained that he was “in the middle of knocking back some leftover Honey Chipotle Barbecue wings that his wife had made for dinner last night”…  I shook my head. Still I tried to be cordial… That was of course until he mentioned some irrelevant sh*t about how I could save up to 20% on my insurance if I opted to insure my automobile, home & boat, under his Umbrella coverage.

And this is precisely the moment when I lost it.…

I informed Mr. Jackson that I don’t own a boat. But I do own two pair of boat shoes. And that I would have “no problem placing said boat shoes on his neck.”, if he failed to be so kind as to transfer me to a centralized, State Farm, claims call-center.

And with that, Carmello, acting surprised & expressing a tone of indignation, as if I were the one that was crazy, finally transferred me to the claims center… After an unconscionable 35 minute hold, I was informed by claims rep, Jamar Brown, that State Farm had made an unsuccessful attempt to contact the operator of the Toyota Camry, Reggie Wilson. And that they also had not had any luck locating Reggie's insurance company.

Jamar then went on to ask me if I would be so kind as to fax to him the accident report, as his system notes read that although “a call had been placed to DCPD earlier that morning, they had currently been unable to acquire a copy of the report."

At that point I hung up the phone and called Geico. I provided my Geico rep (consequently her name was Lizzy McDermott) with Reggie Wilson's name, telephone number, driver’s license number, and North Carolina Auto Insurance policy number… Lizzie put me on hold and within 2 minutes came back and told me that they had successfully identified the  Insurance company of the driver of the Toyota Camry as “#Reggin Mutual.” Lizzie then went on to provide to me the name & telephone number of the insurance adjuster at #Reggin Mutual who was handling the claim.

I called State Farm back and told Jamar Brown that Geico had identified the 3rd party insurer and info. And Jamar was all:

"Wow, how'd they get it so fast"...

I replied:

Um, probably because whereas  you Jamar, didn’t actually do sh*t; the good white folks at Geico actually picked up the telephone and placed a call.

It then became glaringly obvious to me that  State Farm insurance company is clearly owned & operated by incompetent #reggins. It probably started out owned by whites, but at some point, not unlike Prepaid legal & YTB Travel, they probably decided that it was just easier to sell independent contracting rights to entrepreneurial-minded blacks.  Hell, Herman Cain probably even peddles State Farm insurance out of a Godfathers Pizza storefront in Atlanta.

And that is precisely the moment when I realized that you can continue support black-owned business if you want to, but from this point forward, I prefer the companies that I do business with to be run by Anglos. Preferably Jews, but really, any Anglos will suffice.

And of course as Chris Rock said, there's a difference between Black folks & niggas #reggins. And obviously there are many profitable, efficient, customer-service-oriented, Black-owned businesses. But unless & until Angie's List creates some sort of online mechanism to differentiate between the two, I think I'm off of black-owned business for awhile.

And of course many of you #regginlovers will ruthlessly criticize me for my position. You'll say I'm being ignorant, close-minded & unfair... And to that, I simply respond:

#RegginPlease!

“Tell Mommy I don’t go to the church. Tell  Ak I don’t go to the Mosque. I blow blunts, hold guns, and Imma be right there when the soldiers go march. I play my part, & my heart seems colder than March. But on the flip side of things, my heart’s warmer than June.” – Styles P.