“ I've been afraid of changing, because I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older. I’m getting older too.” Fleetwood Mac - Landslide
I recently met up for drinks with a girl 10 years my junior. Within 10 minutes, I think we both suspected that the age gap would likely be too steep to overcome. My suspicions were confirmed when I inquired as to what she would like to drink, and without batting and eye, she replied, a "Pina Colada".
As I drove home, the idea that I had reached a point in my life where it was possible for me to be "too old for a girl", and she be too young for me, sparked moderate introspection. I then made recollection of a time 2 summers ago, when I ran into a familiar face, belonging to an older gentleman, whom I've seen in passing at social functions, on many an occasion. Prior to that evening, we had not made verbal acknowledgement of one another. But this time, we crossed paths at a different venue than we were accustomed to. The change of scenery all but left us with no choice but to exchange pleasantries. After we had made acquaintance, although my intention was to expeditiously part ways, he, apparently being quite the garrulous chap, struck up an unwelcomed conversation. During which, he randomly spoke about some music artist from the early 1970s. I absolutely did not know what artist he was talking about. I was a bit confused. I mean, just who was this joker? Why would he think I would be familiar with some obscure artist whose time had come & gone before my birth? And what was he doing out so late on a Tuesday anyway. Shouldn't he have been home in bed? After all, he was old.
Then the unthinkable transpired. While increasing his inquiry, he proclaimed, "You know who I’m talking about. We're about the same age”.
I was caught off guard. Did this man just 10 to 15 years shy of retirement age, really think we were "about the same age". Not unlike most people, I’m secretly vain & shallow. I covet youth and money in the same manner that Diddy covets… well, youth & money…You can’t tell me Diddy doesn’t have an large box of “Just For Men” hair-dye in his medicine cabinet next to his Duke Pomade, or that he did not demand an exponential increase of complimentary toning gel, during his recent “Proactive” contract renegotiation. No shame in the game, Diddy. We all desire to “preserve our sexy”.
Anyway, when the smelling salts kicked in, and I finally came to, I was informed that I had spiraled into an unfortunate bout of dizziness, followed by violent convulsions, and subsequently passed out. As I gathered my faculties, I found myself looking up at two faces. That of the EMT who had been called onto the scene to tend to my momentary cardiac arrest, and the same salt & peppered, jheri-curled Negro whose spectacularly astonishing accusation, suggesting that he & I shared the same age demographic, had left me flailing on the hard concrete.
Thinking back to that occasion, perhaps it's time for me to begin to check myself. I absolutely do not want to be that guy. I refuse to be the old dude at the club.
I fear no man. I fear only five things; God. Heights. Manual labor. Those ghastly, hybrid squirrel-rats, that breed down in the bushes on 14th Street. And one day becoming “the old dude in the club.”
After all, life presents few instances more decidedly pathetic than that of witnessing firsthand, the excruciating decline of an aging narcissist, careening uncontrollably, toward an inevitably dismal future… I don’t want to die alone. But I really don’t want to die at 2am, sweat pouring from my veins, purchasing drinks for a woman half my age, knowing full well that she’s contemplating little more than plotting the execution of her escape route, the very moment I hand to her, said drink.
And so I need to be mindful... My age allows me to vaguely recall the debut of “Thriller” on MTV… I constantly find myself launching dialogue with phrases like “back then” & “nowadays”… Plucking a handful of gray hairs out of my beard has become an excruciating & routine part of my pre-happy hour preparation… And my oldest friend, (who is one year & 4 days my junior) & his lovely wife just recently celebrated the birth of their firstborn child… I must be conscious of when to say when.
With this newfound awareness, I have decided to formulate a list of “dos & don’ts” that I need to stay conscious off... A list that will inevitably make its way to my refrigerator door, my bathroom mirror, & every other station that I visit on consistent basis … Perhaps I should also post it on the Facebook Page of that thick lil joint whom I met last week, (ironically at the club), because I stay all up in her Facebook albums… But that's neither here nor there....
Anyway, I will post this list in the same manner that Martin Luther posted his “95 Thesis”, sparking the “Protestant Revolution” on the church door. It will serve as a blueprint, to myself and others. A beacon of light, helping to navigate through the dark backstreets, before we turn onto the well-lighted main road, as we collectively matriculate our way down to the club.
3. Look at your peer group
Are the vast majority of your high school friends, & college buddies married with teenage kids?
Are you getting informational brochures, and enrollment applications from AARP?
Do you find yourself constantly turning down the advances of the 45-year-old woman in the HR department, & secretly hoping that you might be able to score the sexy little 20-year-old intern who started last week?
So while you’re steadily milling about the office, not-so-inconspicuously lurking around her cubicle, and sneaking into her work space to sniff her keyboard when she goes to lunch, she’s busy increasing her Facebook security settings, and unbeknownst to you, has given you the nickname “Creepy McLurker”, when addressing you to mutual coworkers.
Get it together bro.
2. Look In the Mirror.
Michael Jackson’s classic song “Man in the Mirror” should not serve exclusively as a reminder of your social responsibilities, or spark memories of the glory days when you were 25-years-old, but should also serve as a sobering reminder that you were 25-years-old, when this song debuted, 25 year ago! Basically, you’re pushing it dog... You were in undergrad when Kid & Play’s classic “House Party” film, documenting their high school years, hit theaters; and were walking down the aisle at your Graduate school commencement ceremony when that God-Awful sequel, documenting their college years, “House Party 2” was released to theatres.
Tell you what. Since you’re so hot on walking down “aisles” during “ceremonies”, why don’t you do yourself a favor, and try walking down a church aisle, at your wedding ceremony? The 45 year old HR lady is single, desperate and in church every Sunday, praying for salvation in the next life, and pleading for God’s everlasting mercy, that she should not be subject to die alone, in this one. Time to cast your ideals aside, and go for it!
Seriously though… Check your waistline. Whereas people who haven’t seen you in a while used to say things like “hey, you’re looking well”; do they now say things like, “hey, looks like you’re eating well?”
Could you get a part-time job at the Mall during the Holiday season as Santa Claus?
Has the once jet-black hair on your haggard beer belly, now turned grey?
Does it resemble the same bushy gray hair that is now uncontrollably sprouting out of your nostrils, and totally masking the once clearly-visible skin on your back, in a similar manner to which Michael’s talent masked the lack of talent possessed by Jackie, Tito, Jermaine & Marlon? And who would know better than you? After all, didn’t your parents surprise you with Jackson Five concert tickets for you 16th birthday?
1. 1. Don’t be Oblivious to the Obvious
Next time you’re trolling the club, seeking women half your age, take a moment to look around. Now ask yourself, “am I the oldest m****f****r in the building?!
If the answer is yes, retreat immediately… And don’t get my wrong, I’m not saying that you cannot go out. I’m simply suggesting as we grow older, we must become more particular in our decision making.
You can still go out. Just be more selective... Happy Hour is fine. Just be sure to vacate the premises by 10pm or so. Under no circumstance should you allow midnight to find you in the club. Think of yourself like a werewolf or a vampire. No good can come to anyone around you, after midnight. And not unlike a werewolf or vampire, you my friend, are 300 years old.
“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. Married guys seem stable. People see the ring and think ‘at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch’” – Alec Baldwin – The Departed
