Trendy Lent...

Ash Wednesday is the traditionally Catholic/Anglican Holy day that marks the beginning of the forty day holy period known as Lent. Lent, similar to Passover in Judaism, and Ramadan in the Islamic faith, is a spiritual time when “believers”, through a show of self-discipline and sacrifice, demonstrate an escalated measure of reverence & gratitude toward God; St Patty’s day notwithstanding, when many of these same people who have given up alcohol for Lent decide to take a 24 hiatus from their commitment to  drinks themselves into a stupor.

Perhaps I simply did not possess the awareness in my earlier days, but in recent years, it has become my opinion that the act of “giving something up” during this sacred season has become increasingly prevelant. Unfortunately, I would have to attribute this increasing trend to Lent's increasing trendiness... As if it’s somehow cool to log onto Facebook or Twitter, and declare that after seconds, even minutes, of rigorous discernment, we have meticulously decided to offer up some frivolous sacrifice to God.

With this in mind, I have compiled a lifetime list of the 5 most absurd & unreasonable practices that I have observed people suggesting they would partake in, or rather, not partake in, for Lent.

5) “Giving up” 2 in 1 Shampoo & Conditioner – At first glance this may seem staggeringly preposterous. But if you were to glance at it again you’d find that it remains staggeringly preposterous. And that’s because it is.

Perhaps my most damaging infirmity is that my inquisitive nature never affords me the privaledge of leaving sh*t alone. I always have to inquire. And so I did. I wish I had not.

So although I must apologize to my female readers for not being able to recall which brand it was exactly, I do recall being told that the sacrificial component that I had previously been unable to detect, stems from the fact that this woman, “really loves her 2 is 1 shampoo & conditioner because it’s gentle, it revitalizes, and it gives her hair a volume & sheen” that she had never quite experienced prior to personal implementation of this product.

So In her mind, giving up her secret weapon to voluminous, shiny hair was her way of demonstrating that she was giving up something deeply “sacred” to her; and in this way, she was showing her gratitude to God for not only His eternal loving kindness, grace & mercy, but also for omnipotent-ly revealing this marvelous product to her.

And when you put it like that, how could I ever have been so blind? What a fabulously magnanimous gesture! You my friend are an awe-inspiring human being! Bravo! Surely you will be first in line at the gates of Heaven. And that special seat at the right hand of the Father, you know, the one that was previously allocated for Jesus, will now be vacated, and subsequently awarded to you, so that you may more ostentatiously display your picture-perfect, glorious head of soft, flowing locks…

Still, although I had all of these condescending thoughts running around in my head, I did not want to impetuously belittle her sacrifice. So I remained silent and pondered it some more. And after much discernment, (well actually, not that much. Probably about the same amount of time it took her to concoct this ridiculous scheme) I’d come to the conclusion that she and I just shouldn’t speak anymore. Like, it’d be greatly appreciated if she’d lose my number.

Again, that’s what I wanted to say. But I refrained. And for my remarkable display of self-restraint, May the church say “Y-amen”.

4) “Giving up” Bottled Water – Now I’ve seen good Christians make rash decisions, but like seriously, WTF…  I generally see this person as a somewhat reasonable individual, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was me that was missing the point. Still, after nearly excommunicating a friend for her derisory folly the year prior, I decided it best that agayne, I exercise a measure of self-discipline. Only this time I would not even allow my inquisitive nature to run-a-muck, leading me to inquire as to her motivation.   And so instead, I took it upon myself to fabricate an explanation in my mind. I did not care if it was true or not. Here’s what I was able to logically deduce:

"The world is on fire. Global warming is rampant. Oil prices are on the rise, the polar ice caps are melting. So go the polar ice caps, so go the polar bears. Another innocent species recklessly endangered at the plundering hands of an expediently-motivated and self-indulgent mankind."

Yeah, that worked for me. It was an “Ah-ha” moment! Still, it stands to reason that 40 days of environmental consciousness & preservation isn’t exactly going to save the world. But I suppose it’s a start.  After all, it is each of our individually responsibility to do our part by monitoring our personal carbon footprint.

Still, is resisting the convenience of bottled water for forty days really enough? How about we just stop drinking bottled water period? Or, I have another idea, how about we make this season of Lent about God, and not about our liberal tree-hugging paranoia? Is that too hard? If our burning desire is to save the world then fine, but during Lent perhaps we should also focus on saving our souls.

3) “Giving up” Carbs – I’ll keep this one short and sweet. If memory serves me correctly, you recently tweeted about giving up carbs in an effort to lose weight. Now, a few short weeks later you’re again tweeting about giving up carbs; only this time, thinly veiling this deed, labeling it a selfless act, designed to illuminate your undying love & reverence toward the Almighty Alpha & Omega.  Although again, two weeks ago it was designed to help you drop 10lbs to so you could effectively fit into a bridesmaids dress. Go figure.

I've detected a pattern; your spiritual goals have a history of seamlessly aligning with your fitness goals. I guess its like the whole mind-body-soul working in synergy thing. Sort of like "transcendental meditation" meets "Bikram yoga" meets "Bishop Eddie Long"... You my friend are nothing short of a saint; a lieutenant in God’s army.

2) "Giving up” Beer- Now after coming into knowledge of the aforementioned sacrifices, I reluctantly tweeted about how Lent for some folk was becoming a matter of trendiness & showiness. About how people who haven’t seen the inside of a church or dusted off their Bibles in 40 weeks, to-say-nothing of 40 days, were miraculously compelled to offer these grandiose sacrifices out of their genuinely outstanding love for God.

Were my tweets somewhat self-righteous? Of course they were. Tell me something I don’t know… This whole damn blog entry is self-righteous. But in this way, at least I’m consistent. And consistency is “Christ-like”, so I’m sticking with it. But I digress.

Now, I love my dear friend. She’s kind, and socially conscious, and truly has made a difference in the lives of many thousands of people through her community service. But on this day, although perhaps well-intentioned, my friend had chosen to launch an ad hominem attack on me via twitter.

She explained how she was giving up beer for Lent because it is a time of “self-restraint, introspection, and communing with others”. And that I should consider building people up, as opposed to tearing them down.

And maybe she’s right. I will certainly take her words under strict advisement.

That is, after I complete this this blog entry, of course....

Later on that evening I ran into this same friend after dinner.  The time was about 10:30PM. I quipped with her about how she had gone in on me on twitter. I then inquired as to where she was scurrying off to? Without hesitation she replied:

“I’m going to the bar. I said I gave up beer. I never said I gave up wine”.

We both laughed as she as she sped off into the darkness for an evening of revelry and carousal.

I couldn't help but consider the irony that the person who attacked me for my earlier tweets, had just inadvertently proved their validity. But isn't that always the way it goes.

I suppose on this particular Ash Wednesday, the initial day & night of Lent, for her, the “self-restraint” and “introspection” portion of the itinerary had been completed, and it was now on to the post-holy communing activities of the night.

1) “Giving up” Fish – And Numero Uno, simply because it is quite simply the most misguided, perverse notion I have ever stumbled across regarding Lent… actually regarding anything for that matter.

Now I do not claim to know everything about Christianity, nor-you-anything-at-all. But I do know that “Believers” are actually supposed to chow down on fish during Lent, not deny themselves of it. So in my eyes, the idea that someone who is making an alleged sacrifice to God is ignorant of this fact speaks fluently to just how fundamentally detached that person is from the touchstones on which Christianity is derived.

Some may say her intentions were not bad. And I agree.  She most likely didn’t mean any harm by this. But is it not my duty as a Christian to correct her (and chastize her, publically, on my blog with a readership quickly approaching the tens of thousands).

Im just kidding.

And don’t get it twisted. I am not above reproach.  I love me some deep-fried, golden-browned Tilapia. Hell my tilapia love-cup has runneth over to the point where I’ve even posted pics of these meals on Facebook!

And seeing as my preference is to prepare this tilapia fried; coupled with the fact that I’m too economically conscientious to do the frying in diabolically expensive Extra Virgin Olive Oil,  I probably love it a little too much... I drop a couple of well- breaded filets into the frying pan, hookup up some mac & cheese, and toss a couple spears of broccoli on my plate for good measure.  Pour up a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and even my twitter followers won’t hear from me for a couple of hours.

But as much I enjoy Tilapia, I also enjoy knowing sh*t. Like, you know, basic sh*t…

For example, how “Jesus miraculously fed 5000 by multiplying 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.” I mean I know Perez Hilton didn’t break the story 10 minutes ago, but surely your worldly acumen extends beyond the lead headline on TMZ.

Surely you’ve seen those little fish emblems on people’s cars. They’re called “Ichthys”, and they’re a universal symbol of peoples’ love for Christ.

Long story short, you absolutely under no circumstance have to give up fish for Lent. But perhaps you should consider giving up your “Christianity card”. In fact, I’m revoking it right effin now!

Actually no. I rescind my revocation. Such harsh rebuke is not my place. And besides, In the Bible, whenever God wanted to prepare even some the most unlikely candidates for His purposes, He took 40 days.

·    Noah, 40 days of rain

·    Moses was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sanai

·    David’s 40 day challenge with Goliath

·    Elijah was given 40 days of strength from a single meal (which may even have included fish)

·    Jesus was fortified by 40 days in the wilderness

So who knows, perhaps this person is well on her way to becoming the the worlds next Mother Teresa. Or more likely, she is on her way to developing a less public, personal relationship with God. And for that, may the church say "Y-amen".

                  And the Bible says Abraham believed God, & his faith was "credited to him as righteousness"

Why Charlie Sheen is in fact Bi-winning

I often tell people, if I were one of those prodigious young basketball phenom types, whose unprecedented success was written in the stars, and it was fully evident to all those around me that I was going pro, becoming financially set for life before I reached the tender age of 21, thus I was considered “special”, and everybody I made acquaintance with from the time I was 13 years old slurped the hell out of me with fawning adulation, in hopes of reserving a seat on my bandwagon of lifelong glory, I would feel absolutely no pressure to conform to society and all of its rules of assimilation.

You know, all the things that minorities have to do in order to blend in more easily with the majority. Things like “code switching”, the term that refers to the way our speech is altered outside the home to align more closely with that which the majority is comfortable with.

 The manner in which we consciously dress so as to ensure the impression we make on the outside world is perceived as non-threatening, so as not scare the begeebies out of good white folk we come in contact with every day.

Just routine, day to day tasks we are required to perform; tasks that totally missed people like Lil Wayne, who was signed straight from the NOLA projects to a major record label at 14 years of age, thus never being burdened with the expectation of being “like everybody else”.

Yep, I’d be something like that. I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever setting the black race back a minimum of 500 years. Basically, I would be mad niggerish.

I’m talking jewelry galore.  I’m not just talking ostentatious 50 karat studs in both ears that cost more than your child’s college education. That’s too conventional.

I’m talking 5 gold chains pendulously hanging down from my neck to my kneecaps, with ridiculously absurd pendants  attached to each; like a diamond encrusted, platinum dinner plate that I would routinely detach from my chain to eat my meals off of, then once my food was fully digested,  I’d rinse it off in my solid gold sink, and then reattach it to my chain.

While displaying my bedroom on MTV cribs, I’d make mention of my giant waterbed, filled with not water, but something obscenely ignorant, like Patron. And as proof that it was indeed filled with Patron, I’d have two busty, half naked women pouring one bottle of patron after another into the beds spout, filling it to capacity, as we film.

Next to my Patron-soaked waterbed, I’d have a bedside table drawer stacked to the brim with cash, like the shamelessly braggadocious Floyd "Money” Mayweather did during his Cribs segment. And above the headboard would hang a portrait of me, smiling, with my arm around Jesus Christ, with a caption that reads: “Blood Brothers”, a la the painting Carmelo Anthony so brazenly directed the viewing audience toward during his Cribs moment.

Then the camera crew would follow me outside so I could display to the world that I had more cars than I did brain cells. And none of these cars would actually be parked in the driveway. They’d all be parked on the lawn.

 I’d have a tattoo of my face on my neck, and a greasy ass hightop that I would pay Jermaine Jackson an exhorbitant consulting fee to teach me how to maintain.

I would make it rain hundred dollar bills at the club every night, and sometimes I would do the same while doing regular sh*t. Like I’d purchase premium balcony seats to the Opera, and just start raining down hundreds on the people below during intermission.

My life would be nothing short of an out and out free-for-all. An unmatched spectacle of grandeur, gossiped about over the water cooler, written about on 2^nd rate blog websites, and discussed over Facebook and G-chat, while people momentarily shirked their primary job responsibilities

I would absolutely refuse to conform to the stringent societal regulations that preside over my life as I know it today.

So if I would misbehave in such a manner because I came into money at age 19, why wouldn’t Charlie Sheen choose to detach himself from society, acting a total fool on television every single day at age 45. Hell, in my opinion, he’s about 25 years late.

Charlie Sheen was born to a multimillionaire 45 years ago. Can you imagine being born into a 7 or 8 figure fortune today, let alone in 1965. And I mean like a real fortune. Not a fleeting "I bought a two million dollar McMansion fives years ago with no down payment, and now its only worth 50k and it really doesnt matter anyway because my adjustable rate mortgage ballooned out of control & I'm being foreclosed on because I haven't made a mortgage payment in 20 months, fortune.

By the time he was 21 he was an uber successful movie star. And it’s been a blaze of glory ever since; his life consisting of one movie and sitcom role after another; never having to struggle through the Hollywood slump that plagues so many actors. And the reason, probably because all of the characters he plays are based on his real life persona; a successful, self-indulgent, make no apologies, bachelor, who toasts to triple distilled vodka, wildly expensive champagne, rare imported cigars, and the occasional venereal-ly diseased  prostitute…  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see James Gandolfini playing the role of any movie or television character that’s not named Tony Soprano, or John Hamm not being Don Draper. Hell I love Don Draper. My perhaps unhealthy grown-ass-man devotion to him is most evident on twitter, where my handle BlackDonDraper@twitter.com (shameless plug) is on display for all of my 55 followers to see.

But that’s precisely my point. Whereas Charlie Sheen casually amassed a whopping one million followers in a single day, my 12 months and 2,000 plus tweets has produced a pitiful 55 followers.

And all of Charlie Sheens four and a half decades on this earth propelled him to the glorious throne where he sits now, flanked by a "goddess" on each side, as the highest paid television actor in history, clockin an astronomical 2 million dollars per episode. A figure makes no mention his little side gig endorsement deal with Hanes, where he plays Michael Jordan’s goofy, yet handsomely compensated, wannabe golf buddy.

I mean the man has achieved more success than most of us could ever dream. Who am I to dispute that he doesn’t indeed have “Tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA” running through his veins?

If I were to anonymously poll a significant sample size of middle aged men, I’m pretty sure a good number of them wouldn’t mind making upwards of 20 million dollars annually, sharing a roof with 2 half-his-age women of his choosing, in a palatial estate, in Hollywood’s Ritziest zip code. Hell I wouldn’t mind shacking up with a broad, my own age, in a dilapidated one bedroom condo, in the “shady” Eight mile neighborhood of Detroit. (See what I did there. lol).

My point, don’t judge the man. Celebrate him! He’s been fortunate enough in life to attain a measure of freedom, sovereignty and “I don’t give a f*ck-ness” that can only come with amassing an exorbitant amount of wealth.

So while Carmelo Anthony is busy delusionally professing he & Jesus Christ to be siblings, & routinely making equally absurd, yet less sacriledgious comments like "I tip my hat to himself", I prefer to tip my hat to Charlie Sheen. Because in my opinion, his life does not appear to be one that is melting down, but rather, one that has soared above.  He is not subject to the same day to day monotony and frustration that lead so many people down the path of quiet desperation. Quite the contrary, his is a life of illustrious regalia & extraordinary abundance. As he put it, his “Sober Valley Ranch” is a place filled with “laughter, beautiful women, great food, and winning”.  And while Charlie is busy bi-winning, so many of us are out here just trying not to lose.

“People have been raving about my blog, but inquiring as to when it would inevitably plummet toward the depths of obscene ignorance… ...  ... Le fait accompli".