Trendy Lent...

Ash Wednesday is the traditionally Catholic/Anglican Holy day that marks the beginning of the forty day holy period known as Lent. Lent, similar to Passover in Judaism, and Ramadan in the Islamic faith, is a spiritual time when “believers”, through a show of self-discipline and sacrifice, demonstrate an escalated measure of reverence & gratitude toward God; St Patty’s day notwithstanding, when many of these same people who have given up alcohol for Lent decide to take a 24 hiatus from their commitment to  drinks themselves into a stupor.

Perhaps I simply did not possess the awareness in my earlier days, but in recent years, it has become my opinion that the act of “giving something up” during this sacred season has become increasingly prevelant. Unfortunately, I would have to attribute this increasing trend to Lent's increasing trendiness... As if it’s somehow cool to log onto Facebook or Twitter, and declare that after seconds, even minutes, of rigorous discernment, we have meticulously decided to offer up some frivolous sacrifice to God.

With this in mind, I have compiled a lifetime list of the 5 most absurd & unreasonable practices that I have observed people suggesting they would partake in, or rather, not partake in, for Lent.

5) “Giving up” 2 in 1 Shampoo & Conditioner – At first glance this may seem staggeringly preposterous. But if you were to glance at it again you’d find that it remains staggeringly preposterous. And that’s because it is.

Perhaps my most damaging infirmity is that my inquisitive nature never affords me the privaledge of leaving sh*t alone. I always have to inquire. And so I did. I wish I had not.

So although I must apologize to my female readers for not being able to recall which brand it was exactly, I do recall being told that the sacrificial component that I had previously been unable to detect, stems from the fact that this woman, “really loves her 2 is 1 shampoo & conditioner because it’s gentle, it revitalizes, and it gives her hair a volume & sheen” that she had never quite experienced prior to personal implementation of this product.

So In her mind, giving up her secret weapon to voluminous, shiny hair was her way of demonstrating that she was giving up something deeply “sacred” to her; and in this way, she was showing her gratitude to God for not only His eternal loving kindness, grace & mercy, but also for omnipotent-ly revealing this marvelous product to her.

And when you put it like that, how could I ever have been so blind? What a fabulously magnanimous gesture! You my friend are an awe-inspiring human being! Bravo! Surely you will be first in line at the gates of Heaven. And that special seat at the right hand of the Father, you know, the one that was previously allocated for Jesus, will now be vacated, and subsequently awarded to you, so that you may more ostentatiously display your picture-perfect, glorious head of soft, flowing locks…

Still, although I had all of these condescending thoughts running around in my head, I did not want to impetuously belittle her sacrifice. So I remained silent and pondered it some more. And after much discernment, (well actually, not that much. Probably about the same amount of time it took her to concoct this ridiculous scheme) I’d come to the conclusion that she and I just shouldn’t speak anymore. Like, it’d be greatly appreciated if she’d lose my number.

Again, that’s what I wanted to say. But I refrained. And for my remarkable display of self-restraint, May the church say “Y-amen”.

4) “Giving up” Bottled Water – Now I’ve seen good Christians make rash decisions, but like seriously, WTF…  I generally see this person as a somewhat reasonable individual, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that it was me that was missing the point. Still, after nearly excommunicating a friend for her derisory folly the year prior, I decided it best that agayne, I exercise a measure of self-discipline. Only this time I would not even allow my inquisitive nature to run-a-muck, leading me to inquire as to her motivation.   And so instead, I took it upon myself to fabricate an explanation in my mind. I did not care if it was true or not. Here’s what I was able to logically deduce:

"The world is on fire. Global warming is rampant. Oil prices are on the rise, the polar ice caps are melting. So go the polar ice caps, so go the polar bears. Another innocent species recklessly endangered at the plundering hands of an expediently-motivated and self-indulgent mankind."

Yeah, that worked for me. It was an “Ah-ha” moment! Still, it stands to reason that 40 days of environmental consciousness & preservation isn’t exactly going to save the world. But I suppose it’s a start.  After all, it is each of our individually responsibility to do our part by monitoring our personal carbon footprint.

Still, is resisting the convenience of bottled water for forty days really enough? How about we just stop drinking bottled water period? Or, I have another idea, how about we make this season of Lent about God, and not about our liberal tree-hugging paranoia? Is that too hard? If our burning desire is to save the world then fine, but during Lent perhaps we should also focus on saving our souls.

3) “Giving up” Carbs – I’ll keep this one short and sweet. If memory serves me correctly, you recently tweeted about giving up carbs in an effort to lose weight. Now, a few short weeks later you’re again tweeting about giving up carbs; only this time, thinly veiling this deed, labeling it a selfless act, designed to illuminate your undying love & reverence toward the Almighty Alpha & Omega.  Although again, two weeks ago it was designed to help you drop 10lbs to so you could effectively fit into a bridesmaids dress. Go figure.

I've detected a pattern; your spiritual goals have a history of seamlessly aligning with your fitness goals. I guess its like the whole mind-body-soul working in synergy thing. Sort of like "transcendental meditation" meets "Bikram yoga" meets "Bishop Eddie Long"... You my friend are nothing short of a saint; a lieutenant in God’s army.

2) "Giving up” Beer- Now after coming into knowledge of the aforementioned sacrifices, I reluctantly tweeted about how Lent for some folk was becoming a matter of trendiness & showiness. About how people who haven’t seen the inside of a church or dusted off their Bibles in 40 weeks, to-say-nothing of 40 days, were miraculously compelled to offer these grandiose sacrifices out of their genuinely outstanding love for God.

Were my tweets somewhat self-righteous? Of course they were. Tell me something I don’t know… This whole damn blog entry is self-righteous. But in this way, at least I’m consistent. And consistency is “Christ-like”, so I’m sticking with it. But I digress.

Now, I love my dear friend. She’s kind, and socially conscious, and truly has made a difference in the lives of many thousands of people through her community service. But on this day, although perhaps well-intentioned, my friend had chosen to launch an ad hominem attack on me via twitter.

She explained how she was giving up beer for Lent because it is a time of “self-restraint, introspection, and communing with others”. And that I should consider building people up, as opposed to tearing them down.

And maybe she’s right. I will certainly take her words under strict advisement.

That is, after I complete this this blog entry, of course....

Later on that evening I ran into this same friend after dinner.  The time was about 10:30PM. I quipped with her about how she had gone in on me on twitter. I then inquired as to where she was scurrying off to? Without hesitation she replied:

“I’m going to the bar. I said I gave up beer. I never said I gave up wine”.

We both laughed as she as she sped off into the darkness for an evening of revelry and carousal.

I couldn't help but consider the irony that the person who attacked me for my earlier tweets, had just inadvertently proved their validity. But isn't that always the way it goes.

I suppose on this particular Ash Wednesday, the initial day & night of Lent, for her, the “self-restraint” and “introspection” portion of the itinerary had been completed, and it was now on to the post-holy communing activities of the night.

1) “Giving up” Fish – And Numero Uno, simply because it is quite simply the most misguided, perverse notion I have ever stumbled across regarding Lent… actually regarding anything for that matter.

Now I do not claim to know everything about Christianity, nor-you-anything-at-all. But I do know that “Believers” are actually supposed to chow down on fish during Lent, not deny themselves of it. So in my eyes, the idea that someone who is making an alleged sacrifice to God is ignorant of this fact speaks fluently to just how fundamentally detached that person is from the touchstones on which Christianity is derived.

Some may say her intentions were not bad. And I agree.  She most likely didn’t mean any harm by this. But is it not my duty as a Christian to correct her (and chastize her, publically, on my blog with a readership quickly approaching the tens of thousands).

Im just kidding.

And don’t get it twisted. I am not above reproach.  I love me some deep-fried, golden-browned Tilapia. Hell my tilapia love-cup has runneth over to the point where I’ve even posted pics of these meals on Facebook!

And seeing as my preference is to prepare this tilapia fried; coupled with the fact that I’m too economically conscientious to do the frying in diabolically expensive Extra Virgin Olive Oil,  I probably love it a little too much... I drop a couple of well- breaded filets into the frying pan, hookup up some mac & cheese, and toss a couple spears of broccoli on my plate for good measure.  Pour up a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and even my twitter followers won’t hear from me for a couple of hours.

But as much I enjoy Tilapia, I also enjoy knowing sh*t. Like, you know, basic sh*t…

For example, how “Jesus miraculously fed 5000 by multiplying 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.” I mean I know Perez Hilton didn’t break the story 10 minutes ago, but surely your worldly acumen extends beyond the lead headline on TMZ.

Surely you’ve seen those little fish emblems on people’s cars. They’re called “Ichthys”, and they’re a universal symbol of peoples’ love for Christ.

Long story short, you absolutely under no circumstance have to give up fish for Lent. But perhaps you should consider giving up your “Christianity card”. In fact, I’m revoking it right effin now!

Actually no. I rescind my revocation. Such harsh rebuke is not my place. And besides, In the Bible, whenever God wanted to prepare even some the most unlikely candidates for His purposes, He took 40 days.

·    Noah, 40 days of rain

·    Moses was transformed by 40 days on Mount Sanai

·    David’s 40 day challenge with Goliath

·    Elijah was given 40 days of strength from a single meal (which may even have included fish)

·    Jesus was fortified by 40 days in the wilderness

So who knows, perhaps this person is well on her way to becoming the the worlds next Mother Teresa. Or more likely, she is on her way to developing a less public, personal relationship with God. And for that, may the church say "Y-amen".

                  And the Bible says Abraham believed God, & his faith was "credited to him as righteousness"