Many thousands of us awakened this morning to a tweet and/or email from “Barack Obama” stating that he, on this 4th day of April, 2011, will be filing his papers, officially launching his 2012 reelection campaign. Like most sitting Presidents, Barack will garner the 2012 Democratic nomination without encountering any viable or sustainable party contention.
But now that it’s become glaringly obvious that senility has totally consumed both Senator John McCain’s left & right cortex; Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindel has quietly returned to his rightful position as head of the high school Audio Visual department, & Florida Senator Marco Rubio has come to the intelligent determination that it’ll be over a nation of racists collective dead body that America will elect a Hispanic President on the heels of a Black one, it begs of the question, just who is the frontrunner on the other side of the aisle?
Let’s take a closer look at the pending shortlist of Republican candidates; or as I prefer to call them, “The Riff-Raff Club”.
Mitt Romney
Mitt, while being rich, tall & handsome, is also excruciatingly uninspiring. During the 2008 campaign, while Barack Obama was ubiquitously wholesaling arguably the single-most-commonly-shared human emotion i.e. HOPE to a nation desperately in need of such an inspiring message, Mitt was perversely gallivanting across the country claiming his best asset to be his… efficient management style.
“I’m a good manager” he remarked time & again; a message so uninspiring he found himself on the losing end of a landslide battle with Centurion John McCain, for the Republican Nomination. And while I don’t doubt Mitt the Mormon may likely be the most affable Republican candidate, (his pro-polygamist values notwithstanding) it’s quite evident he needs to consider cutting ties with his current PR firm, “Dreadfully, Insufferable, & Monotonous LLC”, before they lead him down yet another path to defeat. I mean seriously “I’m and efficient manager”. Is that the best they could do? What’s next, a new campaign slogan: “Mitt ain’t sh*t”.
Donald Trump
When exactly did Donald become a member of the Birther party? Actually, when did Donald become a member of the Republican Party? I must have missed that memo…
I vividly recall being 10 years old, informing whomever would listen, that when I grew up I wanted to be like Donald Trump. Well, I still do, kind of. But just in a filthy-rich Scrooge McDuck kind of way. I mean let’s face it; his 7 billon dollar fortune is his only redeeming quality. Aside from that, the man is insufferable.
“The Donald” single handedly killed the United States Football League, has filed three separate Chapter Eleven “Reorganizations” i.e. bankruptcies, & didn’t I just see him getting roasted by Snoop Dog & “The Situation” on Comedy Central last week?
And while I do have to give Mr. trump his proper due for contributing one-half of the genetic DNA that produced the single most aesthetically flawless creature currently inhabiting this earth, i.e. his daughter Ivanka, I find myself somewhat confused as to just what merits & credentials he possesses to make him a viable candidate to be the next Leader of the Free world; unless of course the lovely Ivanka begrudgingly appears on the ballot as his running mate. In that case, even President Obama is in jeopardy of losing my vote. I mean let’s face it; Ivanka is good for the national mood. The more TV time she gets, the better off we all are.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie
I won’t even address his policies, except to say that they are exceedingly shortsighted. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about the important stuff…
First of all, his name is Chris Christie. That’s pretty much like having the same name twice. Like “Tom Thomas” or “God Shamgod”. And while his parents’ misguided folly should not necessarily be inextricably linked to their son’s character or competence, we all know the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Secondly, the man is morbidly obese. Can a 300 lbs. man really get elected to the highest office in the land? I mean let’s face it; it’s not uncommon for Americans to discriminate against our overweight brethren. The presidency is obviously a high pressure position. Is it really in our collective best interest to elect a profusely sweaty man, with a 99% body fat composition, and an unreadable blood-sugar level, to call the shots?
Sarah Palin
Let me just start by apologizing for taking the easy road on this one. But in all honesty, I don’t have much choice. When it comes to Sarah from Alaska, every road is the easy road. So with that, let’s address her basic comprehension & grasp of the English venacular.
I mean we all take shortcuts as we attempt to consolidate our constantly racing thoughts into 140 characters before unabatedly casting them into the Twitter-sphere, but Sarah straight up acts like her IPhone doesn’t have a spell-check feature.
She’s unconscionable. One recklessly butchered word & phrase after another. I mean, I’d imagine that the Whitehouse employs a staff editor who would be responsible for proofreading her memos, but this is a woman who would encounter a difficult time winning a 3rd grade Spelling bee, let alone the Presidency.
But maybe in Palin’s case, a 3rd grade spelling bee would be precisely what the Doctor ordered. Perhaps if she spent some time around 8 year olds she would actually learn that contrary to her current belief, she cannot “see Russia from her bedroom window” (in Alaska), as she has misguidedly stated to have done in the past.
And those are the “serious contenders”. In an effort to preserve time, and my readership, we will take only a cursory glance at the final 4 candidates.
Michelle Bachman, Haley Barbour, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich
The only person less qualified for president than Sarah from Alaska is Minnesota’s poor man’s Palin, Michelle Bachman. The famous quote she “couldn’t be elected dogcatcher” involuntarily thrusts into my stream of consciousness every time I hear the mention of her name. Bachman, although perhaps only slightly more qualified than our current appointee, would have a hard time being elected president of my condo association. As I see it, her only identifiable skillset is her ability to provoke people with her scathingly vitriolic rhetoric. And while such a skill might come in handy when pushing her partisan agenda in Congress, her brand of overt hatred is clearly not one that will move this country forward.
Redneck Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour AKA Boss Hog from the Dukes of Hazzard, recently, against strong opposition, opted to pass a bill allowing the state of Mississippi to print license plates commemorating former Ku Klux Klan “Imperial Grand Wizard”, General Nathan Bedford Forrest. Perhaps the Governor thought the sale of these license plates would be a good source of revenue to help alleviate his state’s debt crisis. Imagine if this man were elected. I wonder what he believes would be an appropriate measure to solve our Nation’s debt crisis; my guess, the revocation of the Emancipation Proclamation… Do you get my drift?
Former Governor of Arkansas Mike Huckabee is clearly Jared from Subway’s illegitimate father? Is this not a proven fact? They’re both fat-skinny, wear glasses, and are victoriously breezing through life on little-to-no discernable talent. Seriously, a paternity test is in order. In fact, I refuse to utter another word about “Huckabee for President” of anything aside from the Little Rock Rodeo until said DNA test results have been revealed.
Admittedly, I’m a bit surprised to hear Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich’s name get so whimsically thrown into the mix. He’s so passé. The man is pushing 70 for God’s sake... This is the man who led the charge to impeach former President Bill Clinton for having an affair with one of his staffers, while at the very same time Gingrich himself was… having an affair with one of his staffers… But when I think about it, I suppose such brazen hypocrisy actually speaks to his credibility as a legitimate Republican candidate. After all, isn’t the ability to unapologetically demonstrate spectacularly obscene hypocrisy the one shared characteristic of Republicans everywhere?
“The seal in the Constitution reflects the thinking of the Founding Fathers that this was to a nation by white people & for white people. Native Americans, Blacks, & all other non-white people were to be the burden bearers for the real citizens of this nation”
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