Spring is in the air. The birds are chirping, the Cherry Blossoms are in full bloom, the weather is breaking, and with that, all across this great land, once fortified relationships are now being annihilated. From dust they came, and to dust they shall return.
I recently got wind of two different breakups... Two sets of lovers once happily joined at the hip had suddenly parted ways. Upon hearing the news I was somewhat saddened, but not overwhelmingly surprised.
After all, “Bunning Season”, “Cuffin Season”, “Boo Lovin Season”. Whatever you choose to call it; is a wrap.
Saran Wrap, Big Tigger Wrap City the Basement, Aretha Franklin Wrap on your door, tap on your windowpane…You choose the poorly designed metaphor. Either way, Cuffin Season is all but done.
In Washington DC, Howard Homecoming/Halloween weekend represents final cuts. Time to make a final decision. Men have spent virtually every day of the offseason vigorously scouting, drafting, conducting “two-a-days”, calling up prospects from the D-league, & signing them to tenuous 10- day contracts. Basically doing whatever it takes to find All-Star caliber talent.
The Monday after Howard Homecoming i.e. November 1st, is Opening day! It is the moment of truth. It is the official start of “Cuffin Season”. It spans from November 1st, till quite frankly, Right. About. Now.
Cuffin season, like most everything in life, can be appropriately compartmentalized into 3 main phases; the beginning, middle, & end. Kindly allow me to explain in more detail.
Phase One – November 1st till New Year’s Eve
Now everything is hunky-dory for about 6 weeks. You & your beau are doing dinner and a movie once-a-week, enjoying regular sleepovers, and his weekends belong to you. Just 2 little peas in a pod… Heavy doses of dopamine constantly rushing to your brain as you vigorously exchange subliminal tweets and Facebook messages, each not so cleverly ending with a ;)
Things are going so well that the two of you often times find yourselves simultaneously engaging in 3 separate conversations; one on Twitter, another via text message, and the 3rd, frenetically IMing one another back and forth on Gchat during the workday, never once overlapping conversational topics from one medium to another… Heck, you even passed on payday lunch at Chipotle with the coworkers last week as to not interrupt your precious online quality-time. You’re on cloud nine. It’s only been a month, but you start thinking maybe just maybe he’s “the one”!
But just as Christmas time rolls around you begin to observe a change in his behavior. Suddenly he becomes moody and aloof. You don’t know why. All you know is that he’s acting different. His erratic behavior is out of character. You’re somewhat taken aback. Your girlfriend warns you not to get overly-excited as you’ve only known him for 6 weeks. You become indignant and promptly put her in her place, as surely she’s never experienced a love like yours. After all, 6 weeks is equivalent to like 6 years in soul-mate math.
Now you may not know it, but his temperamental, disagreeable or standoffish behavior can be directly attributed to the fact that he’s firmly entrenched in a crucial decision-making process. He knows that keeping you around through the holiday season has its consequences, both financially and emotionally.
He knows you’ve been eying a new IPod. But what he doesn’t know is if he is willing to come out his pocket to purchase said IPod for you as a Christmas gift. But far more important than the money, he knows what that IPOD represents. Seeing as he’s a sous-chef at The Olive Garden, he’s clearly not going to come out of his pocket for multiple IPods for numerous women. This purchase will surely set him back a couple of weeks, if not months. Thus, such a selfless sacrifice overtly acknowledges that you are that special person in his life. And such an acknowledgement can lead down only one path; a serious relationship.
But as the Winter Solstice (December 22nd) passes, he gets slapped squarely in face; first, by an errant snowball, as he inadvertently stumbles into the crossfire of two white people, both inexplicably donning cargo shorts & flip flops in bitterly cold temperatures, as they joyously frolic in the season’s first snow; and second, by the realization that the harsh winter has only just begun. The warm days of offseason are equidistantly in front of & behind him.
With this revelation, he runs out in frenzy on Christmas Eve in hopes of procuring a last minute token of his affection, only to find that the shelves at the mall are as hopelessly barren as Oprah’s womb. So he calls you to declare that he thinks it best that the two of you wait until each of you return from your respective holiday destinations to exchange gifts. This common stalling tactic will effectively buy him at least a week to figure out what to get you, since clearly a $300 IPod out totally out of the question... The day after Christmas, while perusing Best Buy in hopes of finding a deal on a PlayStation for himself, he picks up a $15 ITunes gift card for you, all the while muttering to himself “if she wanted a G-d damn IPod so G-d damn badly she shoulda bought it her G-d damn self.”
Phase Two – New Year’s Day to Valentine’s Day
So you made it through the holidays and the two of you are cruising through January. It may be cold outside, but it’s steaming hot in the bedroom.
You’ve met his friends, and have a standing appointment to watch NFL Redzone network together each & every Sunday afternoon. Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow can come between the two of you; as was harshly evidenced by the fact that y’all came to the mutual decision to stay together even after that ugly domestic incident.
You know the one I’m talking about; when the National Weather Service predicted you’d be buried under 10 feet of snow, so you spent your full 8 hour shift at work meticulously configuring the perfect menu for your upcoming day off, all the while rationalizing your spotty work ethic by convincing yourself that they’re not paying you enough anyway.
The moment you clocked out you immediately made a bee-line to Harris Teeter to blow a month’s worth of grocery money on snow day essentials like wine, potato chips, Redbox movie rentals & condoms. The two of you planned to spend your snow day preparing meals together and watching movies. It was going to be so romantic, snuggled up in his arms, cozied up by the fire. But something went terribly awry.
You spent all afternoon in the kitchen slaving over a hot stove, while he assumed the fetal position, drifting in and out of consciousness, leisurely catnapping and curiously catching up on “Watch What Happens Live” on DVR.
Still it wasn’t until he asked you to pour him another glass of wine after you had just served him his dinner on the couch, that sh*t hit the fan. Your well-veiled disguise of submissiveness was suddenly cast to the wayside in favor of a more aggressive persona. A persona that until this point, although he suspected existed, he had yet to witness.
Feelings were hurt, dishes were broken, and needless to say he ended up pouring the glass of wine for himself… But eventually things settled down. After “the incident”, you both agreed “What’s Love Got to Do with It” probably wasn’t going to be the best movie to watch before bed... Still, after talking to your girlfriends the next day and hearing their similar horror stories, you chalked the whole thing up to Cabin Fever.
He figured if he could get through “the incident” then he could get through anything. So when another apocalyptic snowstorm was forecast for Valentine’s Day, he decided to chalk it up, buy you a $49 charm bracelet from Jared’s Galleria of Jewelry, a $5 bouquet of wilted carnations from Giant, and ride this thing out for another couple of months till the weather broke.
Phase Three: March 22nd till May 5th.
Yes, May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. The day that has overtaken St Patty’s day as the fakest holiday in America.
Men absolutely lose their minds on May 5th.
Do you remember in the Bible, at the beginning of the Book of Job when God asked the Devil, “Where have you come from?” And the devil replied “I’ve come from roaming the earth back and forth seeking whom I may devour.”
That conversation most likely took place on the morning on May 6th.
So just hang on tight ladies. Only a couple more weeks to go. If you make it through Cinco De Mayo then consider yourself firmly on solid ground. At that point you will have successfully navigated through the Holidays, Valentine ’s Day, the first day of Spring, Lent and Easter Sunday. Your reward, a romantic summer of wine tastings, picnics in the park, and longs walks on the beach with your boo. I call it "Summer League".
But if you didn’t make it through, don’t fret. Your summer offseason will be as awesome as you choose to make it. There will be plenty of Happy Hours, rooftop parties, and cookouts for you to find a solid Blue- Chip recruit for the upcoming Cuffin Season. And even if you don’t, fear not, for the love you lost will return. He’ll come crawling back to you on hands and knees… On November 1st.
"To everything there is a season..." - Ecclesiates 3:1
Blackdondraper@facebook.com
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