Happy New Year everybody. The American Negro is back for 2012!
Okay, so they forced me to do it. And please allow me to apologize to my readers who do not live in DC, for today’s blog is DC specific… Over the course of the past few days, I’ve been reading these hilarious “stuff upwardly mobile black people say”, and “stuff bougie black people say” et cetera... And at a certain point, I just couldn’t help but to partake… So today, I present to you: “Stuff Pretentious Black Women in DC who Annoy the Sh*t Outta Me Tweet”…
"I just camped out in line for 4 days for the Black Friday extravaganza at Georgetown Cupcake. Yeah, they had a sale on double chocolate red velvet cupcakes. And girl, you know I love a sale. They’re usually $25 per cupcake, but if you stood on line for more than 48-hours, and tweeted a picture of the cupcake to at least 5000 followers, the cupcake was discounted to $24.98."
(Yes, this is the actual line just to get into Georgetown Cupcake on a 25-degree Night)
"We went to Lauriol Plaza for drinks. I had 1.325 Margarita Swirls, and now I'm tipsy. Leggo!"
"Then we went over to Chicha Lounge. They have this new Zucchini-Mango-Walnut-vine-ripened-Guava-flavored-Hookah, inspired by Rita’s Iced Custard... FTW!"
"Then we went over to Chicha Lounge. They have this new Zucchini-Mango-Walnut-vine-ripened-Guava-flavored-Hookah, inspired by Rita’s Iced Custard... FTW!"
"Yeah I just left the Department Of Energy. Now I’m doing consulting work at Booze Allen.
(Memorial Day Weekend) "Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"
(Fourth of July Weekend) "Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"
("Labor Day Weekend) - Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"
I work on the Hill.
"My brother’s fiance's niece is doing an internship at the White House, and she personally licked all the stamps for the invitations to the White House Correspondence Dinner (WHCD).."
"I don’t dooo Park (at 14th) anymore. I prefer H Street now. You know, like 'Smith Commons'. But I heard they’re opening up a new Vietnamese Pho Restaurant in Navy Yard in the year 2025. I can’t wait!!!"
"You want to take me to dinner? That sounds doable. What’s today? January 20th? Well, I’m pretty much booked with charitable projects for the next 4 -5 months. But maybe I can fit you in this summer… (checks calendar) Let’s see... Looks like I’m going to Reggae Winefest the second weekend in June. Then the next weekend is Truckaroo. The weekend after that is BBQ festival at National Harbor . The weekend after that, Wheels up, I’m going to Miami Bitch! Then the weekend after that I have the annual Delta-AKA- joint venture multi-national conglomerate charity project which raises money for Congressional Black Caucus awareness month... Then my line sister is getting a table at Buddha Bar for Howard Homecoming. But I may be able to fit you in the week after that. Not sure tho, because I think there may be a Northern Virginia Urban League Happy Hour/retreat that weekend. It’s not confirmed yet, but the district-attorney-general-comptroller of Fairfax County public schools has been approached to be the keynote speaker. And if he is, then I can’t miss that. So either that weekend, or the next. .. Does that work for you?"
"Girl, last night after Happy Hour, I went down to Alfred Street Baptist Church for C.A.Y.A... ... ... Girl, the name of it is 'Come As You Are'. So I went as I was... drunk!" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"We were gonna do brunch at Busboys, but I refused because they only serve standard mimosas & Bellini’s. I’m more of a Strawberry Mimosa kind of girl nowadays. So we went over to Creme on U street instead."
"I went to Howard. You know, the real HU… I studied International Public Relations Systems Management… And Economics. .. It was a double major."
"Then I went on to earn my Juris doctorate from Georgetown… But I refuse to practice in North America. We live in an exceedingly litigious society. I much prefer the ancient hieroglyphic judicial system of Mesopotamia & the Dead Sea Nations. So I sent out a few resumes to a some Turkish firms. I’m still waiting for a response."
"My favorite food??? Hmm, lemme think. That’s a tough question. It depends on the day really... On Mondays it’s Thai. But only sautéed tangerine curried chicken skewer ice cream sundaes. Tuesdays is Moroccan. Wednesdays is Vietnamese Pho. Thursdays is Vietnamese Barbecue. Friday is of Mandarin, duh… But on the weekend, I get it in! Fried Chicken & lightly-toasted waffles! But only with Vanilla-maple-syrup. But the vanilla has to be organic & locally grown. Duh!"
"I just bought a membership to Vida Fitness. I used to go to Washington Sports Club, but girl, you know they only have aquatic-aerobic-belly-dancing-classes on Saturdays... At Vida, I can get my Aquatic Aerobic belly Dancing in on Mondays… Which frees me up for Spinning class on Tuesdays… 1000 degree-hot-yoga on Wednesdays… Aura Spa Thursdays… And Dali Lama-inspired-Ancient Chinese- Pilates on Fridays..."
"Yeah, Vida Fitness is expensive, but I got a discount. I’m only paying $299 per month. And they usually make you sign a 36-month contract, but since I graduated Alpha-Kappa-Alpha-Cum-Lade at UPenn, I was able to negotiate it down to 35 months… Girl, you know I don’t play!"
"I’m a Corporate litigator.My firm advocates for over-privileged, under-taxed, private equity firm CEO’s who are paying more than $75 per square foot for their office lease agreement. But my dream is to eventually help low income minorities & disenfranchised youths."
"Well, technically I live in PG County. But I only live like 15 minutes from the Montgomery County border, soooo I just usually say I live in MoCo. I mean, I guess it’s PG if you wanna be all specific!" O_o
I just got my admission letter to UDC Law! Yeah girl, UDC isn’t just a community college anymore. Their law center is on the come up! I’m in the duel MBA program. So when I graduate, they’re going to place me in the socio- geo-political-Managerial fast-track program at Lockheed Martin… It’s a specialized program for HR professionals.
"I’m a consultant… My job duties??? ... I consult. Duh! Girl, you silly!"
"I’m taking a hiatus from my job on The Hill to volunteer for reelectbarackobama2012.org"
"I’m gonna need Sasha & Malia to do better. But nonetheless, they are soooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!"
"I’m a staff attorney for WWF."
"What do you mean which WWF? Both. We advocate for diseased & drug addicted former pro wrestlers, AND endangered Panda bears in the North Pole. Duh!"
Public school?!?! NEVER!!! I went to high school at “The-Holy-Redeemer-Trinity-Episcopalian-Private-Academy-For-Gifted-Young-Negro-Children... Yeah, it’s a subsidiary of the Jack & Jill, Martha’s Vineyard Chapter.
We got in it for dinner!
We got in it for dinner!
Yeah, then after dinner we had Organic-Shrimp-Vinaigrette- smoked- Gouda- Quiche- stuffed-salmon-Soufflé for dessert… And giiiirl, It was EVERYTHANG!!!!!
“Too hard for MTV. Not Black enough for BET” – Jada Kiss
