S: So much fun! But I'm, exhausted! I always make the mistake of not taking a couple days off from work when I get back from vacation.
Me: Vacation?
S: Yeah, vacation. What would you call a trip to Miami?
Me: Things n*ggas do on the weekend.
I swear, give a n*gga a 3-day-weekend and them mofo's are all but guaranteed to catch the first thang smokin' to South Beach...
I'm joking. Well kinda. But yes, perfectly respectable black folk travel to South Beach.
But the whole thing got me to thinking. What if there was a "what n*ggas do" category on Jeopardy. Like addressing some of the favorite "Thing's n*ggas do"... In fact, they could probably dedicate a whole week to the topic, like they do with "College Week", or when The Computer wiped the floor with Ken Jennings... Come to think about it though, they shouldn't televise it during a normal 7pm telecast on ABC. N*gga viewership will undoubtedly be too low at that time...They should do it like in between the 3-point shooting competition & the slam dunk contest during NBA All Star Saturday Night. This way, they'll ensure that n*gga viewership is at a premium.
Now before I offend anyone (more than I already have), kindly allow me quote Chris Rock, when he so eloquently stated, "I love black people, but I hate n*ggas."
I utilize this quote not because I hate n*ggas, (in fact, I'm rather fond of them, as they provide what seems like never ending entertainment) but rather, to draw a necessary distinction, as there is clearly a "discernible gap" between black folks & n*ggas. Or in my case, a "fine line". (One that I treading dangerously close to today)...
But thats okay. I'm very comfortable with the word n*gga; when used by black folk, amongst other black folk. Some people are seemingly very uncomfortable with the term. But I suppose that's their right... Although perhaps they should consider that n*gga has many different meanings. For example, rapper Big KRIT uses n*gger as an acronym for "Naive Individuals Glorifying Greed & Encouraging Racism...
One of my friends back in college had quite the intriguing use for the word "nigga". He used it as a noun. That is to say; any person, place, thing or idea. So for example, if he went out the night before he might say...
I went to the club last night. It was hot as hell up in
Gratuitous as it may be, admittedly, it was quite entertaining.
Another one of my friends uses n*gga to describe anybody... He routinely launches his thoughts & ideas with something like, "This white n*gga at work...", or "This Puerto Rican n*gga at the gym"... And again, I'm fine with it.
For me, n*gga just means "predictably ignorant".
But I digress... Okay, so remember, in Jeopardy, the "question" is posed as the "answer", and vice versa...
So with that, I present to you: "N*gga Jeopardy"... ROUND ONE.
Contestant: I'll take "Songs n*ggas play, for no good reason at all" for $100, Alex.
Alex Trebeck: The answer: Popular song n*ggas play at their weddings, seemingly for no good reason at all.
Contestant: What is, "Ave Maria"!
Alex: You are correct!
I think it's high time for all non-Catholics to retire this song from wedding ceremonies... The last time I heard this song played at a wedding, I made it a point to inquire with the bride & groom about translation of "Ave Maria". The bride replied verbatim, "I dunno, Something Maria.". The groom just stood there in confusion... Sadly I was asked to be in this wedding party, and was unable to decline. What can I say, we all have n*ggas in our families... I mean at least they were getting married though. Most n*ggas don't even do that... True, he had 3 kids by her, (the eldest was 18 years old at the time of the wedding), and the groom had abandoned his eventual bride on 3 previous occasions to run off with other women; and then shouted out his marriage proposal to her from across the courtroom as he was being led away in handcuffs, after being convicted on 4 counts of real estate fraud; and then married her one week before he was set to begin serving his 10 year sentence; and they held the wedding reception in his mother's basement, which by the looks of it, had not been refurbished, nor refurnished since the early 1970's. But again, at least they were getting married...
Okay, back to "N*gga Jeopardy"... Now since this "special edition" is airing during NBA all-star Saturday, it's only right that we have a special guest to host the second segment. And that special guest host is none other than... you guessed it... Lebron James.
Why LeBron you ask? "He's not a n*gga", you say... Well, that might be true. But unlike a rose, which by any other name may still smell just as sweet; a "LeBron" by any other occupation, is undoubtedly a n*gga. Sh*t, a Dwayne in most circles is a n*gga.
Seriously, take away the hundreds of millions of dollars, and "LeBron" is as made-up a n*gga name as they come... In my 32 years, I've only come across one other LeBron... LeBron Jenkins. And that n*gga was a 39-year old-baggage handler at BWI airport.
Okay, relax. I'm not painting LeBron Jenkins with the n*gga brush expressly because he carries peoples bags from the trunk of their cars, to the curbside check-in, for tip money at 4 o'clock in the morning. In fact, if anything, I consider his ability to show up for such unrewarding employment; rain, sleet, hail or snow, clearly demonstrates a great deal of dedication, and a commendable work ethic, on his part.
So why do I identify LeBron Jenkins as a n*gga? Let me count the ways...
1. What is LeBron Jenkins' favorite pizza topping? Hot Sauce.
2. What is LeBron Jenkins' idea of a fine imported cigar? Black & Mild, wine wood-tip.
3. How many residences has LeBron Jenkins lived in in the past three years? Six.
4. When was the last time 39-year-old LeBron Jenkins bought a pair of Jordan's? Yesterday.
5. What is LeBron Jenkins' current side hustle? Selling Amway.
6. What was LeBron Jenkins' previous side hustle? Selling weed.
7. Does Lebron Jenkins have even the slightest idea why I utilized an "apostrophe" after the final letter of his last name in questions 1, 2, 5 & 6? Nope.
8. Does Lebron Jenkins even know what an "apostrophe" is? Perhaps, but I'm leaning toward "no".
But even if he does, LeBron Jenkins is a n*gga...
Geez. Here I go getting sidetracked agayne... Back to our regularly scheduled "N*gga Jeopardy", with our special guest host, LeBron James...
Contestant: I'll take "Things n*ggas put on the back of their cars" for $400, LeBron.
Lebron: The answer is our DAILY DOUBLE!
In the words of Kayne, "even if you're in a Benz, you're still a n*gga in a coupe"... Especially when that Benz is an E-class, two-models-removed.
The Nissan above belongs to a resident of my condominium compound. I can say with a fair measure of certainty, that I'm confident it takes less than the 6 months my neighbor has been toolin around town with these bootleg cardboard tags, to acquire a new license plate from the Department of Motor Vehicles, when your old tags get stolen.
Okay, it's time for FINAL JEOPARDY. With another special guest host, New York Jets Cornerback, Antonio Cromartie...Antonio, or "Cro" as his teammates refer to him, was awarded the privilege of being the second guest host, not just because he's a black man named "Antonio", but because Antonio, at 27 years-old, is the proud father of 7 kids, with 6 different women, who live in 5 different states. And when asked to name his kids during an interview on HBO's "Hard Knocks", he demonstrated a tremendous measure of difficulty in doing so...
Antonio Cromartie: The Final Jeopardy Topic: Crass things n*ggas say...
(INSERT FAMOUS FINAL-JEOPARDY JINGLE HERE)
Last week, when the author of this blog, "Black Don Draper", went out to get lunch 10 minutes later than he had planned to do so (by the grace of God, & the tomfoolery of "Tee") because he was engaged in a Gchat conversation with "Tee", which included her stating that although she likes kids, she doesn't fancy the idea of compromising her lifestyle when she has one, thus she will "throw that lil n*gga in her bag, and take him wherever she goes"...
Upon arrival at the shopping center where Black Don Draper traveled to purchase lunch, he was surprised to find police cars, ambulances, and news cameras everywhere...
Upon arrival at the shopping center where Black Don Draper traveled to purchase lunch, he was surprised to find police cars, ambulances, and news cameras everywhere...
The entire shopping plaza, consisting of "Trinity Deli", "Wings Over Washington", "Quiznos", Chase bank, and the adjoining parking lot, was roped off with police tape.... As it was reported on the news, a black male's attempt to rob a Dunbar Armored Truck, making a delivery to the Chase Bank. But the robbery was thwarted by Dunbar security, who sensed the robbery, and proceeded to waste the would-be robber, with several shots to his head and body... The news anchor also reported that eyewitnesses saw a "Gold Cadillac El Dorado, being operated by another black male, sped away from the scene of the crime as the events were unfolding". (Like they really needed to clarify that a Gold Cadillac El Dorado, was being driven by a n*gga... That goes without saying.)
With a large crowd gathered around the scene, 15 uniformed police, 3 plain clothes detectives, 5 news trucks, and 2 Emergency Medical Technicians loading the man's lifeless carcus into the back of an ambulance, in plain view for all to see; a black woman with neck tattoo, turned around and says what to another woman?
Contestant: What is; Damn, why'd they have to close the stores though. I mean, rope off the parking lot, and go on ahead and close the bank if you want. Whatever... But keep the wings store open. I been thinking bout them God damn Honey-Barbecue Wings all God damn morning?"
Antonio Cromartie: Congratulations You right my n*gga! You right! How'd you do it?
Contestant: Game recognize game, Cro. Game recognize game. (as his smile revealed his 10 karat gold grill)
Contestant: Game recognize game, Cro. Game recognize game. (as his smile revealed his 10 karat gold grill)
"I'm coming home. Tell the world that I'm coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday... I know my kingdom awaits, & they've forgiven my mistakes."
THE GAME: A 3-part series; as told by The Black Don Draper... Coming Soon
