"I’m looking for a Southern girl that cooks like Patty Labelle. Big ghetto booty. Scarf over her doobie. Chanel under her Louie. Gucci over her booty. Vicki cover her t*tties. Attitude of the city... Pretty, witty, girly, worldly. One who likes to Party but come home early. Light, kinda dark, short, sorta tall, slim kinda thick, I swear I love them all…"
Jay Z “Girls, Girls, Girls Remix
And so spring has sprung. And what a glorious & unseasonably mild winter/beginning of spring we’ve enjoyed; temperatures soaring to near record levels. If this is climate change/global warming, then sign me up!
And with that, summer is just around the corner. Oh, my beloved summer, how I love thee… Cookouts, rooftop affairs, happy hours. Oh, my precious summer… Just one considerable drawback. While theoretically & historically, I have lived for these moments; as a practical matter, this year, I’m not in the least bit excited…
You see, now that life has blessed me with enough longevity for me to say that I have transitioned comfortably into my 30’s, the idea of these social outings no longer carries the same appeal as it has in past years…
It’s a classic case of “been there, done that”… I mean, I’ve been in the game for 15 years now.
Don’t get me wrong. It was a good ride. I went to the conference finals in ’08. I won the championship & league MVP in ’09.... Parties, women, bottles; you know, the Black American dream… But subsequently, as is the case with the vast majority of careers, I’ve experienced a steady decline. All the way to the point where the “game” has abjectly lost its once blindingly shiny luster... And while I undoubtedly look back on those times with immeasurable fondness, the truth is that I’m ready for a new chapter in my life; The Wifey Chapter.
And so the next step seems quite obvious. I'll will find a wifey… Unfortunately, as many of us already know, it’s not quite as easy as it sounds...
If you think about it, the idea of two single people sharing a reciprocal desire & adoration for one another, at the same space & time, isn’t quite as common as one might thing… If it were, it stands to reason that there would be considerably less single people out in the world today.
But I suppose it can’t be too hard, seeing that I’m of the male gender... Right now, not one, but two women I know are dating dudes without cars… When did having a viable means of private transportation get crossed off the female minimum basic standard checklist of dating prerequisites?
And then I have another friend who’s dating this poser who I recently saw out, playing “tonsil hockey” with a girl that could be his girlfriend’s identical twin, separated at birth. & the worst part is that when I saw them, they were seated right next to my date & I at a public establishment. You would think he would have demonstrated some measure of restraint, seeing as I was right there. But nope, not him. He just went on groping & tounge kissing his girlfriends stunt-double. The whole ordeal was just creepy. But I dunno, maybe he thought this girl was his girlfriend. I mean she really was a spitting image... Anyway, point being, if this low-grade gigolo can have his cake & eat it too, then surely a man of my caliber can rustle up a "soft" 7.5 (soft meaning she has the ability to be an 8 on a good day).
But I digress…
Anyway, I am of the opinion that some people are just “lucky” in love. And for the rest of, finding our partner is a decidedly more arduous task.
Heck, I can only think of 2 women that I have dated in the past whom in theory, I would have desired to spend the remainder of my days with. And the reality is that both are long gone. And while I never say never, my good sense tells me that the chances that either one of these women will be walking back through my door anytime again in this lifetime is slim-to-none…
Still, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the good fortune of making acquaintance with some truly phenomenal women. But at the end of the day, most lacked that ineffable quality that I am seeking in a long-term partner. And certainly, sometimes I lacked whatever merit or credential it was that she desired...
Anyway, not long ago, a woman I made acquaintance with casually informed me that she & her girls had recently decided to go on a date every week for 6 months, and see how things panned out. Sort of an “Eat, Pray Love” sorta thing, minus that pesky prayer portion of the exercise… Anyhow, I wasn’t surprised, as I’ve heard of women engaging in these sorts of dating experiments on a number of occasions.
And with that, I decided I too was going to engage in something of the sort…
My goal, 30 dates from April 1st to September 1st.
Now that may not sound like much to you, but as is often the case, the devil is in the details… When you break that down, that’s 30 “dates” in 5 months; or 6 “dates” per month. Roughly, 1 “date” every 5 days!
And of course, when I made this announcement on Facebook & Twitter, immediately, the questions began to pour in. Well, more like trickle in. But why mince words?
"Do you truly feel as though this is a morally upright venture?”
“What is the definition of ‘wifey’?”
“Do you actually think you can find 30 women in the city who won't know about this
project?"
“How are you going to find these 30 women?”
“How much do you plan to spend?”
“What exactly constitutes a ‘date’?”
And my replies to these questions are as follows:
1) Yes I do feel as though this is a morally upright venture… So no, I am not experiencing any sort of moral dilemma or cognitive dissonance regarding this matter. After all, my intentions are pure... I absolutely know think that I’m totally probably ready to find the woman with whom I will spend my life with with whom to enjoy a summer fling, & definitely may be prepared tuck it in forever till the end of the 2012-2013 “Cuffin Season".
2) Well, by “wifey”, I mean that I am going to date her seriously. Like, I may actually have a conversation with her addressing our exclusivity. (Believe it or not, I’ve never actually had that conversation before. For me, it’s always been more of a mutual “understanding”.) & from that point on, I’m all in. It may or may not work out. But I’m not going to assist our situation in not work out by doing silly stuff, like flirting with less-attractive women online (why is the wifey always hotter than the sidepiece), leaving my cell phone laying around unlocked, or unconscionably rolling over & going to sleep should she have been so kind as to break me off.
3) To me, the question of if I can find 30 women in the city who don’t know about the project is the most absurd. So although my blog has gained momentum over the past 13 months, & surely I’d like to fancy that everyone in DC & beyond is a devoted fan, I’d have to be fool to think that is actually the case… So yes, I do believe I can find 30 unwitting women to further my cause. In addition, I never have a photo of my face as my actual Twitter “Avi”.So I'm pretty much incognito.
One thing I know for certain is that I’m not expecting any “hookups” from any of my female friends. On the contrary, if I run into a female friend on an evening out “scouting”, I expect nothing but blocking... Like, world-class, All-Pro, 400lbs lineman, Green Bay Packer, BJ Raji, discount-double-check, premier run-stuffer in the league, type blocking... I just cant imagine any female knowingly subjecting one of her girls to my experimental dating project...
4) How I intend on finding 30 women is a whole other story. As we already know, it’s pretty much slim pickens in these streets. So clearly I’m going to have to scour the city. Still, let’s not overcomplicate this matter... As a single man, perhaps 85% of my thoughts innately revolve around meeting women...
What I will concede, is that I believe that the key to successfully completing this project is “day game”. Yes, day game. The ability to execute a successful "meet & greet" when the sun is either up or just beginning to set, & you don’t have the luxury of having a libation in your system, is an exceedingly undervalued skillset… Just this afternoon I was walking the dog, when I came across a racially ambiguous woman who complimented on the fine-looking nature of my dog, “Mooki”…And with that, I had an opening. And of course I froze up, exchanged a quick hello, & kept it moving. Grand Opening/Grand Closing.
But my point is that we as men get openings like this all the time. But so often, we are unable to capitalize… For example, have you ever gone to the grocery store on a Sunday Evening? If you do, what you’ll notice are scores (well maybe not scores) of women, roaming the aisles, picking up nothing but a ½ gallon of Haagen Daz ice cream, & a bottle of Moscato... When we as men see this, we need to pounce, immediately! We need to become a vulture! We need to become a pterodactyl! If she’s out there with snacks and wine on Sunday at 5pm, with no man by her side, we need to make immediate recognition that she definitely does not have a man waiting for her at home... & nothing reminds a woman of how much she needs a man more than a solitary Sunday afternoon. And so she is vulnerable. Or what I like to refer to as “low hanging fruit”.
I mean, short of coming up on the woman who owns the car in photograph below, finding a woman in desperate need of a man, gets no easier than Sunday evening at the grocery store...
5) In terms of how much I plan to spend? Well, that’s a valid question. Admittedly, “The Wifey Project” could get pricey. In the winter, I could easily drop 3 grand in pursuit of a crusade of this nature. However, luckily, The Wifey Project is a warm-weather-sport… My budget is $1000 USD, or approximately $33/date. Well you say “how one earth are you going to accomplish such a heavy-lift, with such a thrifty budget?
Well, I’m going to be frugal. Not like cheap. But rather, “mindful”… If I’m out to dinner with a young lady, I will proceed in traditional fashion. I won’t purposefully deny her that extra glass of wine. & anyone who knows me knows that I certainly won’t deny myself that glass either! However, dinner will be relegated to the select few… Instead, we’re going to do a lot of “cost effective” dating…
There are a myriad of low-cost opportunities… Just last week a girl asked me out to “coffee”. Now I’m not necessarily the “coffee” type, but perhaps it’s time for me to evolve. Who knows, you may just find me lurking in the corner booth at a coffee shop, sucking down Vente lattes, messing around on my Ipad, pretending to be diligently working on my PHD, when in fact I’m really just piddling around on Foursquare, posting about how I just became the new “Mayor” of Starbucks, and keeping a vigilant eye out for my next prospect…
And of course there are many spring & summer festivals that are coming up; DC “Truckaroo”, “Reggae Wine-fest”, “Jazz on the Mall”, & the DC Barbecue festival. Or maybe it’s called “Ribfest”. I can’t remember what exactly that low-rent, country-bumpkin, honky-tonk affair is called. But I’ll be there...
I’ve met a few women who enjoy hiking. That’s a free date right there. Well not free/free. I’ll provide her with a bottle of 7/11’s finest no-frills, 8-ounce, 99 cent, bottled water… After all, I am a gentleman.
And what about when the inevitable heat wave hits, and its 100 degrees in the shade. I’ll take said opportunity to invite a woman (who’s not overly concerned with damaging her perm) to the pool…
I enjoy few things more than playing tennis. So as two-time “Tennis DC” runner-up, I imagine I’ll be giving a number of free tennis lessons this year… And let’s not forget about cookouts & house parties; the perfect setting for free dating to unfold…
And perhaps the best move I can conjure up is weekday lunch. Weekday lunch all but ensures no alcohol will be ordered. And as savvy daters know, drinks are what tend to boost the dating tab to regrettable heights. A beautiful spring or summer afternoon on an outdoor patio in the city, ordering from a (cheaper-than-dinner) lunch-priced-menu is the perfect opportunity to get in a quick date for $20-$30.
And this is actually a perfect segue to the last question… That being, “what constitutes a date?”
6) Welp, a date is a predetermined one-on-one outing with a woman THAT I HAVE NEVER SPENT TIME WITH IN A ONE-ON-ONE SITUATION PREVIOUSLY…
So that just about covers the logistics of “The Wifey Project”
In regards to grading each date, I have a predetermined set of criteria/cursory evaluation of each woman, which I will use as a barometer… Most of which I will rate with a stringent 1-5 scale:
Face…
Body…
Personality…
Overall Style…
Overall fun had on date…
Overall “wifey” potential…
I’ll also provide you with details on:
How I met her…
Did she offer pay…
Does she have kids… (I do not)
Does she have an Ex-husband…(I do not have an ex-wife)
How far does she live from me… (I’m a close proximity dater)
Her education…
Next to last, I’ll provide you with my “closing percentage” for each week... For example, if I approached 5 women, and successfully procured 3 of these women’s contact information (be it a phone #, email address, Facebook or Twitter Handle), then my closing percentage for that week is 3/5.
And lastly, I’ll offer a pecking order for each date; in regards to how each woman is faring thus far. And I’ll carry this out all the way from date #2 (date #1 will obviously rank highest) to date # 30. For example:
1. Date #5
2. Date #3
3. Date #1
4. Date # 4
5. Date # 2
So yeah, I would encourage you to hang on for the ride, and tune in every week. And together, we'll see how "The Wifey Project" unfolds…
To Be Continued…
“I’m trying girls out. Just waiting patiently, till I find the one for me!” Jay Z –“Girls, Girls, Girls” Remix
