A blueprint to getting out the game...

So it’s come to my attention that the two most prolific male gigolos of my collegiate era are currently in serious relationships. One has been with his girlfriend for going on a full year, and the other is recently engaged.

I went to college with both of these guys. Their living legend status with the ladies has led me to secretly hold each as a barometer. Their exit from the game would effectively serve as an alarm to signal to me if I’ve stayed too long.  I have to admit that upon hearing the news of the engagement, I turned to a friend for guidance & wisdom on Gchat.

Me: I think the game is passing me by.  I think I’ve stayed too long.

J: Stayed too long? Nah, not yet. But you’re definitely wearing out your welcome.

And it’s not like my eggs are drying up or anything like that, but anyone who knows me knows that I only subscribe to 2 fears:

1)   Accidentally impregnating a woman not attractive enough to be seen in public with for the  rest of my life. 

2)   Becoming the old guy in the club

So here I stand. Seemingly all of my friends getting married and a few even having children; and me, in the streets, thinking perhaps having the Jay Z “30 is the new 20” quote tatted on my left bicep in Arabic was maybe taking the movement a bit too far.

With this in mind, and the traditional 1 to 10 looks rating scale falling short, I have devised a foolproof rating system that will enable me to hone in on precisely what it is that I am seeking in a partner, guaranteeing that I choose the right woman to spend my life with.

How can it gaurantee I choose the right partner? Well quite honestly, my system is like a machine. It is not a machine. But it is like a machine. Hence it is not prone to human error. That is ofcourse, unless I make a mistake... Nonetheless The system is simple.  It is based on a 100 point system. It is broken down into 5 categories. Each category holds a maximum worth of 20 points.

·         20% Attraction

·         20% Intelligence/personality

·         20% Intimacy

·         20%Ride-or-die -ness

·         20% Intangibles

I figure if I can latch onto anything 85 or above then I’m good to go.

Attraction is self-explanatory. It’s innate to all of us.  It simply says “what is my measure of animal attraction towards you?”

Obviously, for each of us, what attracts us varies. Whereas I prefer a pretty-faced, thick, black women with shoulder length hair, some of my friends won’t be satisfied until they successfully locate and handcuff a racially ambiguous Rapunzel, with hair so long she’s in constant danger of accidently tripping over her flowing locks with each & every step she takes. In fact, I have a friend who won’t even take approaching a woman into consideration unless he believes she has to check at least 4 boxes in the “race” category when she fills out her Census form.  Well that is if she were to fill out a Census form. Most of the women he prefers do not, as their temporary visas have long since expired, relegating them to a life of residing inconspicuously in the shadows.

But to this I say; “To each his own”. Beauty is definitively in the eye of the beholder.

At this stage in the game I would easily settle for an 8. I figure 8 X 2 = 16, so I’m shooting for a 16 in this category.

Intelligence & Personality  go hand in hand. They are the foundation of the entire relationship. If you can’t stand to be around someone, well, you can’t stand to be around them. (Some things are best left uncomplicated.)

Intelligence is not based on degrees, merits, or credentials. It’s more of a common sense thing.

The most intelligent woman I have ever known possessed 3 degrees from a top university, was a high earning associate at a nationally recognized top 10 firm, was witty, quite the wordsmith, and was generally sharp as a tack in all necessary areas. Ironically, she possessed a shamefully low measure of common sense.

Four months after my beloved mother’s passing, she once preposterously uttered that;  me, losing my mother in her late 50’s,  while I was in my late 20’s, should be less difficult on me than her father losing his mother in her late 80s, while he was in his late 60’s, because her father "knew his mother longer than I knew mine.”

The whole thing was downright absurd. One minute she’s saying that stupid sh*t, & the next, I’m sliding down her fire escape in a torrential downpour trying to evade the Virginia State boys in blue.

But thats another story for another day. (Which reminds me. What exactly is the statute of limitations in the Commonwealth of Virginia?) 

Personality is also major. It can boost a woman’s value, or bring it down expeditiously.

If you’re an average chick, you need not have a bad attitude. You might be able to get away with some bitchiness if you were a bit hotter, but simply put, you’re on the wrong end of the looks spectrum. Act accordingly.

But if you’re hot, you have slightly more wiggle room to act up. Consider for example, Toni Braxton's sister Tamar on Braxton Family Values. Her attitude is deplorable. But her husband tolerates her reproachable unruliness. Why, because shes hot, and he's morbidly obese. He also manages and produces Lady Gaga, hence he is rich as the dickens, which is clearly why she tolerates his dreadful unsightliness.  Still, I don't see this as a mutually beneficial relationship. In fact, I see his investment in her simple ass as perhaps the single greatest misallocation of resources in the history of the world. It's like  my boy says, "You can pour syrup on a Nubian Nuisance, but she's still a Nubian Nuisance"

I’ll settle for a 17 in this department. I don’t think that’s too much to ask

Intimacy is a nice way of saying “sex life”.

 I once heard a tale of a woman with a patented go-to move in her repertoire. While you were visiting the sights downtown, her gumby-like dexterity allowed for her to simultaneously reciprocate by bringing you to climax with her foot. Yeah I dunno? Here’s how it was explained to me (warning: explicit content)

Imagine the mattress was the bottom slice of bread in a sandwich.  The penis was (appropriately) the meat in the middle, and the heel of her foot was the top slice of bread on the sandwich. If the top slice of bread rubbed back & forth on the meat, and the bottom slice effectively kept the meat in place, there would be enough friction to eventually generate mayonnaise for the sandwich.

Yeah, I don’t know. I’m not good with visuals. All I could think is that this girl must have had really long legs.  Still I suspect that if there’s any truth to this tale, such a talent would be a pretty worthwhile incentive to deal with too oft uncomfortable heat & humidity associated with a south of the border adventure. I’d imagine the only drawback being that between her two jobs as a circus freak & a porn star she probably didn’t have much free time to spend practicing her craft on him.

Be it a patented go-to move, a mutual physical or emotional connection, or the fulfillment of some sexually deviant fantasy, a couple's sex life has has to be on point.

Ideally I’d like a 20, but I’d settle for a 17.

Ride-or-die -ness is vital…  I have a cousin (or at least that’s how he was presented to me. He is my great aunts nephew-in-law, so who really knows) who 15 years ago impregnated his then-girlfriend. He did not marry her. In fact, after she had the baby, he abandoned her, married another woman, and subsequently had a baby with his new wife. But kept his original the baby mama on the side. Then he got divorced. Went back to his Original baby mama, impregnated her again, but still refused to marry her. After that child was born he left her agayne for yet another woman, married and impregnated her.

The cycle went on. 3 times he impregnated his baby mama, and 3 times he refused to marry her, left her for another woman with whom he married, and fathered children with. Then the tax man came calling. The IRS brought my pseudo-cousin up on charges on Tax evasion. Of the 4 women, his original baby mama was the only one who showed up in court & supported him during the trial. He was eventually convicted and sentenced to 5 years imprisonment.

After 13 looooong years he finally proposed to Original baby mama two weeks before he was scheduled to begin serving his sentence. They were wed in a dreadful little store-front church (sadly, I was a groomsman) and had the reception in his mother’s basement. … Nonetheless, that was two years ago. And for the past 2 years she has religiously embarked on the arduous 5-hour-journey each way from her home in New York to the Minimum Security Prison where he is serving out his sentence in Pennsylvania, to see him every weekend, without fail; & will undoubtedly continue her weekend voyage for the remainder of his sentence.

I hope you were taking notes ladies, because that sh*t right there (Katt Williams voice) is some Ride-or-die sh*t. She doesn’t just get 20 points in this category, her spectacular foolishness & astonishing naivite has earned her extra credit. She scored a whopping 25!

I’m definitely hoping to land a 20 in this category.

Intangibles can be pretty much anything.  It’s just posing the question, “what extras do you bring to the table?”

A woman who is not only accomplished in the kitchen, but also finds joy in preparing a meal can garner a solid 10 points for her culinary passion alone.

Exceptional personal style and a mean shoe game might boost you another 2 – 4 points.

Does she come from money? Ding! Ding!! Ding!!!

Also, what are her education/ career credentials? Does she possess a top secret government clearance, law degree, MD, or some other highly regarded piece of paper and/or government job that all but guarantees to her a lifetime of income? (PHD’s don’t count because we all know that PHD stands for PHake Doctor, & half those mofos don’t make any money.)

What is her debt-income-ratio?  Is it good debt or bad debt. These are vital questions that must be answered. 

Education and/or mortgage = good debt. 

Single black female addicted to retail = bad news.

 A 15 in this arena is appropriate.

      Attractiveness                  16
      Intelligence/Personality17
      Intimacy                            17
      Ride-or-die-ness              20
      Intangibles                       15
      Total                                  85

So there you have it. A sound blueprint you can hang your hat on. Marinate on these words. Surely my foolproof system will effectively land you a formidable life partner. And never forget the mantra fellas:

If she's an eighty-five to one-hundred, your days of bachelorhood are numbered. But if she’s an 84 or under, your best bet is to dump her.

The hardest thing is to forgive but God does. Even if you murdered or killed, yeah it’s wrong but God loves. Take one step toward Him, He’ll take two toward you. Even when all else fails God supports you... Happy Easter