How to get a man: an informative guide for single ladies....

Recently, I had the honor of attending a good friend’s celebratory birthday dinner. During the dinner, I had the opportunity to make acquaintance with a young lady,who quite frankly, I would not date. And the reason I would not date her is not because she was grossly hideous, lacked intelligence, was intolerably unpleasant, or presented herself as a "bad dresser". In fact, it was quite the contrary. She was attractive, intelligent, affable, and a snazzy dresser to boot. But for all of her pros, I could immediately see that this young lady possessed one glaring flaw. A severely low “dating I.Q.”

I knew this because during our conversation, this young lady informed me that she refuses to participate in Facebook, Twitter, Gchat, or any other form of social networking. I mean don’t get me wrong, I  immediately felt overwhelmed with social media the other day, after receiving a friend request on “Angie’s List” ...  But at this point I only know two living souls who have yet to sign up for Facebook at one time or another; the young lady at the dinner, and my 93-year-old grandmother. So I think it’s safe to say that in October of 2011, maintaining a Facebook account is pretty much standard procedure.

The young lady then went on to say that she had decided to part ways with the most recent gentleman who had (fruitlessly) attempted to procure her affection, because as she put it, “he preferred text message communication, as opposed to telephone conversation.” The way she acted, one might have thought he was asking her to “sext”, not text…  If ever this young lady were to wonder as to why she is single, she need do no more than inquire within…  I would articulate to her, in the kindest possible way, that “you are single because can’t nobody get in touch with your ass. Stop trippin’ over commonplace modern technologies”

This woman demonstrates a classic mistake females make. So often, they are overly dismissive of men. Cutting men off for inconsequential reasons.

But this particular young lady is not alone.  

Another young lady, whom I follow on Twitter, was tweeting back & forth with her friends, encouraging them to follow her lead, by cooking for men on the first date.

I carefully informed her that cooking for a man on the first date, while being the best thing that could happen for that man, is absolutely the worst thing she can do to herself… Cooking for a man on the first date, at best conveys:

“I really want to go out of my way to demonstrate to you just how domestic I am, thus what a great girlfriend/wife I will make, should you decide to choose me.”

And at worst, it says:

“You don’t even have to spend the 50 bucks it would cost you to take me to a restaurant, to earn the privilege of my company. I’m so painfully desperate and lonely, that I’ll gladly offer my company up to you, for free. In fact, I’m even willing to put out the money for groceries and the customary bottle of wine, as an added incentive.”

It was then that I realized just how clueless, many women are, as to the reason they remain perpetually single.

And because I’m the do-gooder humanitarian type, and because “Cuffin Season” is barreling down on us, with the speed, force & velocity of a 250lbs linebacker, with a shockingly unabated path toward the Quarterback; I’ve decided to take a few moments to provide the single women of the world with a blueprint, that if embraced; with an open heart, and studied with zealot-like fervor, will help them to avoid yet another hopelessly destitute, suicidal thought-provoking, winter.

Okay, okay. My last statement was hyperbole. But I bet you wouldn’t mind having a man. 

Alright, now some of you may be saying, “Black Don Draper, why would I take advice from you?” Well, two reasons:

1.      

            I’m a dude. Therefore I possess an inately keen understanding of how the male mind operates… For ex, I attended a house party this past weekend. It was a nice affair. Seemingly, every 10 minutes, a fresh batch of Fried chicken was being ushered in from an electric deep-fryer that was smartly positioned outside, on the balcony, so as to avoid having the house smell like fried chicken... The hostess also had the wherewithal to provide a seemingly endless supply of 4 different types of delectable homemade dip… The Hookah Pipe was flowing (although curiously, the hostess only provided one plastic tip for the hookah pipe, which had apparently been used prior to that evening, as I witnessed her retrieve it from the dishwasher)... The TV was tuned to college football. And good music was coming through the speakers. All was seemingly well. But just as the first bars of Jay Z “Girls, Girls, Girls” began to play, thus all the men present began to collectively nod their heads to the beat; one girl (who I’m sure is single), irrevocably damaged the vibe, by abruptly changing the music, cutting off the classic Jay Z track, in favor of a Beyoncé album. The women got excited, and began to sing and dance. I assume the collective female enthusiasm then motivated said pseudo-DJ-chick, to follow-up her initial song selection, with yet another Beyoncé ballad. By the time the 3^rd Beyoncé track came on, the room began to empty. Men were putting on their scarves & coats, and heading for the hills. I don't know if they were going home, but they were sure as hell raising up outta there... 

      Without caution, this girl had undermined not only her own, but also, all of her female friends’ chances at a hookup, by unwittingly running off most of the men. (I of course stayed; as there was no way I was going to abandon a seemingly endless supply of fried chicken.)

2.       Reason number 2 is: not only am I a dude, I’m a real dude.  Perhaps even too real for my own good, as my realness too often results in my own detriment…  For example, at this same party, some girl started bumpin’ her gums in my direction, going on & on about the football game on TV. And while I’m quite sure that her desire to strike up a conversation was predicated on the best of intentions; at a certain point, her incessant rambling left me with no alternative, but to interrupt her, and inform that I (not unlike ALL men, though they refuse to admit when an "XX" chromosome is within earshot) do not respect the thoughts and opinions of women when it comes to football (or any sport for that matter). And so I let her know that I would greatly appreciate it, if she were to stop running her mouth, and kindly return to the balcony, to tend to the upcoming batch of fried chicken.

So yes, I’m a dude, and I’m real… So basically, even  if you find my opinions to be somewhat chauvinistic, the truth is, my sometimes offensive opinions are, in all likelihood, your best bet toward bridging the gap between your current “single” status, and your next romantic relationship.

But don’t fret. I have previous experience in this line of work… Not long ago, I announced on Facebook, that I have the uncanny ability, to accurately pinpoint the reason as to why any woman is single, within 10 minutes of meeting her.

Upon making this proclamation, unexpectedly, within minutes, my inbox was flooded with messages, and I was fielding Gchat IM’s and text messages, two-at-a-time, from women, inquiring as to why I believed they were single. … The list varied. In one case, I told a woman that she need look no further than the 15 year string of low-down, no-good-men; for whom she apparently had some sort of masochistic yearning to try to tame.

Another case was that of a young lady who couldn’t get into a relationship with a man, because she is clearly already involved in a hot & heavy affair, with her Cable Provider. Kinda hard for a man to find you when you race home every evening after work to glue yourself to DVRed Maury Povich paternity tests, & 3 hour blocks of Basketball Wives episodes, running on a loop, on VH1.

You need to be seen. You may have a torrid affair going on with Comcast, but the simple fact is, that you need to be “out there”? And no, your weekly standing appointment with “the girls” for Sunday Brunch is not sufficient. Fact is, you’re not going to meet any single dudes at brunch. Not any straight ones anyway. All the straight men you see at brunch are accompanied by women. So just go ahead and scratch that idea.

And then of course there is the “Church myth”. Women think they can find a "good God-fearing man" in church...  But just think about it for a moment. Who was the last person you knew that met their boyfriend/significant other at church. I’m not saying it can’t happen. However, I am suggesting that it’s rare… For the most part only man who meets his girlfriend at church is the pastor, and sadly for her, he’s already married with children.

But seriously, the Church myth gets me the most, because too often, women hold up married couples in their church as the benchmark of what love should be. Meanwhile, it was probably the guilt created by all of their pre-marital fornicating, that drove him to succumb to the pressure, and finally marry her ass...  So while its true that she is a virtuous woman now. Back in '99, it was all Hennessy & birth control prescriptions. 

But cases like the previous examples were the simple ones. Those are easy fixes. I was || <------ this close to informing one young lady that unfortunately, because of a number of pending variables, she is destined to die alone.  And it’s true. Sadly, although rare, there comes a point when a person’s “package” becomes just too undesirable for any person to want.

Thankfully though, most women will not be saddled with such a harsh predicament. Most women do not fall into that unenviable category. However, all women do inevitably fall into one of two categories…

Either she got it, or, she don’t.

What is it? It is the “IT factor”. And while some of it is based on God-given physical appeal, most of it is not. It is indefinable.  It is ineffable. It’s a confidence. An ora. A female swagger. The manner in which a woman carries herself.

It’s the reason that some women, even in a state of errand-running disarray; for example, when grocery shopping, or picking up their dry cleaning, constantly get hit on.  And other women, well, they don’t.

Ask yourself, “When was the last time I got hit on at the grocery store, by a man who wasn’t bagging my groceries at the checkout stand. (He’s a 50-year-old recovering heroin addict, so he doesn’t count.)

It’s probably been awhile. How do I know? Well because if it hadn’t been a while, you wouldn’t be hanging on to my every word with such fawning attentiveness.

So while I’ve got your undivided attention, the girl who possesses the “it” factor is sitting back, offering only part of her attention to these words. Another part of her thoughts are being spent thinking back to the dude that hit on her on the Metro on her way to work this morning… And still another is thinking about the dragon roll she’s going to order, in about an hour, when the dude who approached her last night at the gym, fulfills his commitment to take her out to that high-end sushi place for lunch.  

Yep, she’s got the it factor (and probably big breasts). But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s not get off topic.  You too are capable of having the it factor. You just need to develop it.

Start by sprucing yourself up a bit. You have desirable assets. Stop looking like sh*t every time you step out of your house. Accentuate your assets. I'm not suggesting that you have to have a fresh perm, and put on 6 inch heels to go to the car wash, (but it wouldn't hurt). I mean pretty much anything is an upgrade from that head-wrap, and those God-awful Crocs, I spotted you in at Harris Teeter last week.  

I’m not saying that you have to let it all hang out, like the scantily clad women who do those three quarter booty poses for photos, in front of backdrops of airbrushed Hennessey bottles and Cadillac’s, as they exit the club; but truth be told, while you’re busy criticizing them, they’re busy shutting men down in the club, because they all have men at home... I’m just sayin.

Lastly, although perhaps most unpopular. But don't kill me. I'm simply the messenger... 

The truth of the matter is, that being intimate with the man you are dating, prior to receiving a verbal commitment from him, expressing that the two of you are now in an exclusive situation, exponentially increases your chances of roping him.

Actually, let me rephrase that. Being intimate with the man that you are dating, prior to receiving a verbal commitment from him, expressing that the two of you are now in an exclusive situation, is 100% ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL TO YOU ROPING HIM.

Quite honestly, there’s no other way. It's just the world we live in... 

I'm not suggesting that you have to do it on the first date, but that whole "6 month rule" you've been holding onto for the brunt of your adult life, clearly isn't working.

We've all heard that: “he’s not going to buy the cow if he’s getting the milk for free.”  Well, maybe, maybe not. It depends on the situation. But one thing I do know for sure is that he’s not gonna buy the cow PERIOD, if he doesn’t get to sample the milk up front.

It’s like purchasing a car without taking it for a test drive. It’s like team ownership signing an athlete to a lucrative, long-term deal, without first having said athlete undergo a thorough medical examination… I don’t know how many different ways I can say this, but the fact is, it ain’t happening. And if you think it is, I have some 2012 Washington Wizards Playoff tickets that I’d like to sell you. Front Row! 10,000 bucks a-piece!

Look, every one of your girlfriends who has a boyfriend/husband was intimate with that man before he made a verbal commitment to her. In fact, its quite possible, perhaps even probable, that he made that verbal commitment, while in the very midst of their intimacy.

“I’m lookin’ for a southern Girl that cooks like Patty Labelle. Big ghetto Booty, Scarf over her doo-bee. Chanel under her Louie, Gucci, over her booty, Vicki cover her t*tty, attitude of the city. Pretty, witty, girly, worldly; one who likes to party, but come home early...” Jay-Z – Girls, Girls, Girls remix.