I Want Winners! I Want People That Want To Win!

"The lockout has been lifted, and we're just over 2 weeks away from the official start of the 2011-2012 "Cuffin Season". Recently, a few friends and I got together for an owners’ meeting.  Our agenda was to discuss the overall state of the league..."

When my friends & I get together, we often amuse ourselves through the casual use of a combination of metaphors & allegories, like that of which was demonstrated in the previous paragraph. I call it " Pig Nig Latin".


Anyway, if you don't know what an allegory is, don't worry. Nobody does... & if you don't know what a metaphor is, then  I strongly suggest you consider going back and coppin' your GED...


Okay, so for the purpose of this blog, I have translated of our "Nig Latin" text in (bold, italicized, parentheses)... ... Here's how our recent conversation went down: 

Me: “Only a couple weeks left till the start of Cuffin Season. How's the Franchise lookin'?” (What’s your chick situation looking like for the upcoming winter?)

"Levar": “Not good. I traded away my starting QB in the offseason because I thought I drafted her replacement.” (I left the girl I was dating for another girl)

Me: “And...”

Levar: “And she refuses to report to training camp. She's holding out for more money.” (She won’t commit. I think she’s the golddigger type. She probably thought I had money because I was poppin' bottles in the club the night I met her. But since she found out I work at the mall, she hasn't called me back)

Me:  "Don't panic dude.You just gotta take the players you already have and coach em up. See how they perform during OTA's & mini-camp. It's all about player development”. (Forget her ass. You still have a couple prospects left on your team. That one joint you were with last week is kinda decent. Get her in the gym. Tone her up a bit, and she'll be lookin' right.)

We also discussed other issues on the table, like:

Salary Cap: (Are you willing to commit to shelling out a substantial amount of money for the purposes of general dating, holiday gift exchange & Valentine’s Day fare?)

Guaranteed contract: (Is it your intention to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman whom you are dating?)

Length of Contract: (Is this simply a winter boo situation, or are you potentially seeking to renegotiate, and extend the relationship into the spring?)

Bonuses – (If she acts right, and things are going well, are you willing to reward her by footing the bill for a Tiffany's Charm bracelet, or even a weekend getaway; perhaps skiing, or maybe South Beach?)

Yes, these are all crucial issues that must be addressed before both sides can mutually come to a "Collective Bargaining Agreement". (A monogamous relationship)

My boy "Mike" is in pretty good shape:  Training camp had gone well for him. (The girl he’s dating hadn’t acted up, or demonstrated any characteristics suggesting that she might be “crazy”)… I mean she isn’t All-Star Material (She’s not that hot) but she's good enough to take him deep into the playoffs (She's decent enough to serve as a warm body to effectively get Mike through the winter)

But Mike has the tendency to fumble the rock. (Often times, he says the wrong things to women). So Mike just needed to avoid putting the ball on the turf (saying something stupid). And this time Mike held onto the rock (He kept his mouth shut). And so he methodically drove the ball nearly all the way down the field. (He’s been pretty patient with this girl).

A 5-yard-run here, (traditional dinner date) a 25-yard-pass there (he coughed up the money for two tickets to the musical"Fela".)... 

Mike was smart. He took what the defense gave him.(She still hasn't let him hit it yet, but they made out a bunch of times. And after the last time they hung out, Mike texted me to say that he had "finally gotten to 2nd base"). And now Mike is inside the Redzone, poised to score. (She just drunk texted Mike, asking him to come over her place).

Coincidentally, as soon as Mike got her text message, he was out the door. 5 minutes later he tweeted that he was "doing a buck on the 95" (Driving 100mph on 95 South) {She lives 10 miles south, in Virginia} 

On the other hand, my other boy "Rodney" never drives the ball methodically. He's prefers to run the "No Huddle", and stays in "Shot-gun" formation. (Rodney has no patience for these broads. Either he gets it quick, or he’s out). But Rodney also forgot about the mistake he made that prematurely ended last years playoff run (Rodney f*cked up last winter), when he refused to kick a field goal going into halftime. (Rodney shoulda gave the girl more than a week of dating before he started nagging her for sex). But instead  he wanted  to score a touchdown (He pressured her for sex). But the Hail Mary Pass was deflected in the endzone  (she refused to give him sex, suggesting that it was just too early in their relationship for all that) & he lost the game (Rodney got kicked to the curb).  His fate; a long, cold off-season (Last winter, the only thing Rodney was clutching was his pillow... Well, that and one other thing.)

Finally, there's my boy "Dan". He moved here from Cleveland. He got rid of his starting Point Guard, even though she was a dependable veteran (His longtime girlfriend). She never complained about the coach, even when they went through multiple losing seasons. (She had stuck with Dan through thick & thin. She even held it down with him when he failed the Bar Exam, twice). But despite the fact that she led the league in assists (she was kind, thoughtful & unselfish), Dan really wanted to sign a young phenom from Greece. Or was it Spain? Maybe it was both ( Dan wanted a younger, hotter, poly-ethnic chick). And so Dan gutted his roster, (he began to neglect his side chicks), all in the hopes of clearing enough cap space to sign that blockbuster free agent. (The younger, hotter, poly-ethnic chick)

But unfortunately, Dan's blockbuster free agent bypassed his offer. And instead, she opted to take her talents to South Beach. (She rolled down to Miami for the weekend with a Pro Ball Player, and never spoke to Dan again.)

And so gentlemen, today I leave you with this inspirational video from former San Francisco 49er head coach, the venerable Mike Singletary... Singletary is a champion. He won a Superbowl in 1985, while playing linebacker for the Chicago Bears.

And fellas, I ask you meditate on this video... Play it when you’re sprucing up for happy hour this weekend, or when you’re ironing your button-down & pre-gaming with the cheap vodka that you previously poured into an empty Grey Goose bottle, just in case a chick came over... Play it next weekend, before you leave out for that Howard Homecoming Weekend Event. And the week after, as you put on your costume for that Halloween Party. For November 1st begins Cuffin Season. And so fellas, for the next 2 weeks, this should be your mantra. Because now, more than ever, it's CRUNCH-TIME!

"I will not tolerate players that think it's about them, when it's about the team. And we cannot make decisions that cost the team, and then come off the sideline, and its nonchalant. No. You know what? This is how I believe, OK? I'm from the old school. I believe this: I would rather play with 10 people and get penalized all the way, until we've got to do something else. Rather than play with 11 when I know that right now that person is not sold out to be a part of this team. It is more about them than it is about the team. Cannot play with them! Cannot win with them!! Cannot coach with them!!! Can't do it!!!! I WANT WINNERS!!!!! I WANT PEOPLE THAT WANT TO WIN!!!!!!"  
                                                            
                                                           ~Mike Singletary~