The Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents Plan: A model for Global Economic Recovery; inspired by Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan

"Give em’ gum. Give em’ guns. Get em ‘young. Give em’ fun. But if they aint givin’ it up, then they ain’t getting none. And don’t give em all man, nah, just give em some.”- Lupe Fiasco

I have a confession. Sometimes I follow celebrities on Twitter for the express purpose of heckling them. For example, I recently started following NFL Wide receiver, and reality show co-star, Hank Baskett, just so that I could inquire with him as to how on earth he managed to stay in the league for 5 seasons, despite his grossly obvious lack of talent.

The most recent victim of my admittedly sophomoric hijinks is GOP presidential nominee Herman Cain. In fact, I have made it somewhat of a daily ritual to tweet Mr. Cain with disparaging remarks. And not because I don’t like him simply because he’s a Black Republican; but rather, because in an effort to pander to white folks, Cain has consistently taken to making such outrageously offensive public remarks as:

“Black people are brainwashed…”   

&

“If you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, blame yourself.”

He even went so far as to refer to himself as “Black Walnut Ice Cream” on Fox News…  And in his autobiography, unapologetically documented how he was “unaffected” by the Civil Rights Movement, & how he hastily scurried off to the back of bus when the white man instructed him to do so.

And so apparently, Mr. Cain’s strategy to coon & buffoon his way to the White House is (temporarily) working.  (Though he needs look no further than Colin Powell & Michael Steele to realize just how long that’ll last.)

And so while some might suggest that the GOP’s current love affair with Cain, effectively throws a monkey-wrench into my theory that; “Republicans hate President Obama because he’s black”. I would argue that historically, the Slave master often times maintained a special place in his heart for his “House negro”.

And I suspect that it is Cain’s constant kowtowing, that according to the most recent NBC news poll, has recently exalted him to the top of the field, as the front-running candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

So yes, for now, a Black man is riding high in the GOP. But not just any black man. For aside from Cain’s, Tiki Barber/ Wayne Brady-ish antics, Herman Cain has the persona of a cut & dry, plain as day, country n*gga... A-slick-talkin’, back-child-support-dodgin’; homemade-Barbecue-sauce-mixin’; ain’t-never-been- across-state-lines, backwoods, country nigga…

He strikes me as the type of black man who has spent the past decade of his life, ineffectively trying to raise the $500 it would cost him to purchase his Uncle Joonbug’s used Chevy truck, so that he can finally make good on his word of starting his own plumbing business.   But every time he manages to save about $450, he gets drunk off a bottle of Southern Comfort, and blows the money on diseased whores & crack-cocaine.

But no, that is not at all who Herman Cain is. In fact, it is quite the contrary. Herman Cain is quite the accomplished gentleman.  After experiencing humble beginnings in Georgia, Cain pulled himself up by his bootstraps; attending Morehouse College, and eventually ascending the ranks to become CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. And so despite that fact that I despise the man's politics,as a fellow black man in America,  I have to respect his lofty accomplishments ...

Fast-forward to 2011, and Cain's latest accomplishment is his highly visible presence in the Republican National Primary race.

And for the most part, he’s doing it by suggesting that if elected, he will call for a constitutional amendment, effectively throwing out the current tax code, and replacing it with his “9-9-9” program… 9% income tax… 9% corporate tax… 9% national sales tax

So I figure if that slick-talkin’; white-folks-kowtowin’; black-folk-denigratin’; back-of-the-bus lovin', country Negro, has the right to introduce a plan with the intentions of saving our great nation from economic collapse…  

Then this, big-butt-and-smile-trustin’; find-me-in-the-club-bottle-full-of-bub-bustin’’; yet-waits-till-AT&T-sends-me-a- text-message-to-remind-me-that-my- bill-past-due-payin, Negro, has the right to present my National Economic Recovery Plan too. .. Because the truth of the matter is, that neither myself nor Cain will be elected “dogcatcher”, let alone Leader of the Free World...

I call it my plan the “Four Dollars & Sixteen Cent’s Plan”

So let’s pretend for a moment that I’m running for President. And for the purpose of this exercise, I will operate under the name B’raque.

Hey why not?  I figure there will be a legion of little black kids with bastardized spellings of “Barack”, starting kindergarten over the course of the next decade.

Anyway, I, "B’raque Yeezy Fish-fillet Mayweather", am running for the Democratic Party Nomination for the President of the United States of America. And my platform issue is the “War against Obesity.”

I know that part of what makes our country so unhealthy, is our immeasurably high, collective intake of High Fructose Corn Syrup. (HFCS hereafter)... HFCS has a higher quantity of fructose than do traditional cane sugars. So although the body processes both in a similar way, HFCS is considerably more damaging to one’s heath than is refined sugar... And so I suggest that we as a nation make a decision to substantially reduce our HFCS intake, and in lieu of HFCS, make the smart choice to consume more refined sugar…

And so with what I think is a neutral, non-offensive, non-controversial, platform issue, I'm off the Iowa for the Iowa Caucus.

The presidential race officially begins with the Iowa Caucus.  The Iowa caucuses are extremely important because they are the first major electoral event of the nominating process for President of the United States… And so while the Iowa Caucus is by no means a guarantee of which candidate will be the next president of the United States, the general consensus among pundits is that it is considered to be a viable indicator of success, and thus, one that is paid close attention to.

And so if I, B’raque Yeezy Fish-fillet Mayweather, as a candidate for the highest office in the land, do not perform well in the Iowa Caucus, my potential donors will begin to seek a more viable candidate to give their money to...

And so it is imperative that I perform well in Iowa... Just one problem. I got clobbered in the Iowa Caucus, effectively ending any legitimate shot I had at winning the Democratic Nomination... 

So just why did I get beat-down in the Iowa caucus, ?

Well because our Political system is a “donor system”. Meaning, our politicians receive campaign contributions from “Special Interest” groups. These special interest groups are comprised of individuals, organizations, unions, and of course, corporate donors…  And often times, these are very generous contributions.

And our Politicians depend on these generous contributions in order to maintain their campaigns, win elections, and win reelection; so that they can effectively remain in office, pay their bills, and feed their families. 

And it’s all very straightforward. It’s a money game. 94% of the time, the candidate that raises the most money, wins the election. And so if I get outspent,  in all likelihood, I cannot win…

And I did not win, because corn syrup is a primary ingredient in soft drinks and often hidden in processed foods, including salad dressings, ketchup, jams, jellies, ice cream & bread. And so in order to keep production costs low, thus increase profits, Giant Multinational Corporations obviously prefer to use HFCS as opposed to natural cane sugar…

So now, despite having what I initially thought would be a nice, neutral platform issue, I have made giant corporations like Coca Cola, Pepsi & Heinz, very upset. Not to mention the Health Insurance & Pharmaceutical companies, who generate billions of dollars annually, in the treatment of diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure, and other diseases brought on by HFCS.

So now, instead of these special interest groups contributing to my campaign, they turn on me, and instead choose to help to finance my opponent’s campaign.

My opponent then used said contributions to run negative ads against me in Iowa. And then the people of Iowa, whose main cash crop is corn, turned around and said, “Well there’s no way I’m going to vote for B’raque”; because corn syrup obviously derives from corn, which happens to be Iowa’s primary cash crop, thus, the primary means by which the people of Iowa feed their families.

The overwhelmingly visible negative ads in Iowa were just too much for me overcome. I lost the Iowa caucus, and thus I lost my campaign contributors, because losing the Iowa Caucus is the political “kiss of death.”

And so in order to maintain my candidacy for president, instead of following through with my initial intention to promote the war on obesity, instead, I retract my initial position, and instead, become a slave to the production and sale of HFCS, because I am a slave to my campaign donors.

And I utilized corn syrup as an example, but really it is any industry... Politicians are slaves to contributions. If they want clean energy, Big Oil comes after them... If they desire increased banking regulation, so as to protect consumer rights, the big banks will be up in arms... If they try to take Nicotine off the shelves, they’re up against “Big Tobacco.”

You see, we don’t live in the United States of America. We live in the United States of Corporate America.

Therefore, any good cause that a politician would like to pursue, can only be pursued but so far, because somewhere on the other side of that issue, there is a giant corporation or industry, earning billions of dollars in revenue. And that corporation or industry will vehemently oppose.

And there is only one way that I can to rectify this. And that is by effectively eliminating the influence of the Family farms in Iowa, the big banks in NY, Big Oil in Texas, big health Insurance, Big Tobacco, and every other organization who currently possesses a lobby in Washington… And if we did, we would quickly find that elected officials would become emancipated. They would now be free to legislate with their conscious & their hearts, as opposed to with their wallets & their purse strings

So the question now becomes; how can we remove the burden of this influence?

Wait for it… … … That’s right. “Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents Plan”

We can remove the burden of this influence by removing Corporate Donor-ship, and subsidizing that money by collecting an additional $4.16 from even tax payer in America.

You see, there are 300 million people in America. Consider for a moment, that 1/3 of these people pay taxes. That is 100 million people. Take 100 million people and multiply by 100 dollars per tax payer, per year. What do you get? A hefty annual sum of 10 billion dollars.

10 billion dollars per year is an adequate amount for every politician; local, state & federal to run their campaigns.

So why $4.16? Well, Most people get paid bi-weekly. Some people get paid weekly, some monthly, others, on a different schedule. But most people bi weekly. That’s 24 pay periods per year.

$100/24 pay periods = $4.16 per person per paycheck…  A nominal sum that most people, even the working poor, can afford.

And of course I’m not an economist. And my Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents plan is probably oversimplified. But until we can remove this burden of raising donor money, from our elected officials, we cannot effectively restore the integrity of the Democratic process, and our country will continue to experience the polarizing Beltway divide that has sunk our economy to our historical depths.

                                                           "Whats she havin'? Fish-Fillet" - Kanye West, W.T.T