Twitter versus Facebook

As some of you may know, I occasionally possess the not-so-often-well-received proclivity to hold my opinions up as hard facts. Facts I deem to be as inerrant as the Word of God. Thus inherently considering any and all contrasting perspectives to be nothing short of heresy; punishable by vicious, oft regrettable, ad hominem attacks launched against the offender.

But recently I was challenged with a notion so heinous, so egregious, that not even the harsh rebuke of my extentensive vocabulary could adequately serve my ego's need for what it deems as personal justice. A notion so tomfoolerous that  not only did I feel it a necessity to concoct the word tomfoolerous (and attempt to pass it off as a colloquial extension of “tomfoolery”, which it is not), I actually was compelled to launch my grievance on the World Wide Web. And with that I present to you, my inaugural blog:

“Twitter vs Facebook”

Some people wake up in the morning and praise God in gratitude for His eternal mercy & grace, thanking Him for His provisions & blessings, and allowing them to see another day.

I on the other hand wake up & check my Twitter.

Twitter is one of life’s greatest pleasures; right up there with NFL Redzone Network, a deep coma-like Sunday afternoon nap, or the annual “Never-Ending Shrimp Festival” month-long promotion at Red Lobster.

Facebook is more like a dental appointment, eating vegatables, or commuting to work. You know it serves a purpose, but ultimately there’s no real positive emotion attached to the experience.

And while it’s true that sometimes twitter can be a little bit confusing, for example, when 4 “@mentions” & 6 retweets are attached in one message, and you can’t quite figure out just who said what, most times it’s like driving 100 miles per hour up the New Jersey Turnpike (I mean Audubon), while reciting word for word, the Kanye lyrics blasting through your stereo speakers and tweeting about how reckless it is to be driving 100MPH and tweeting all at once. It’s exhilarating! Millions of People's most random thoughts being uninhibitedly cast out into the universe, 140 characters at a time....  Diddy, clogging up your timeline with a seemingly never ending stream of frivolous crap, saying little more than "take that, take that" . Russell Simmons quoting Deepak Chopkra. Deepak Chopkra quoting Russell Simmons. Kim Kardashin shamelessly hocking Sketcher Shapeups, as if they are really to be credited for her bodacious body. And in the midst of all this organized chaos is you, feeling a false sense of empowerment as you "@mention" Diddy a message notifying him that he's being removed from your "follower" list with a message that reads, "No @Diddy, you TAKE THAT!", as if he really gives a sh*t!

Facebook on the other hand is like reversing out of your driveway while simultaneously fastening your seatbelt: Not really much to speak of.

Now I’m not saying Facebook doesn’t possess its own set of virtues. It most certainly does.  For me these virtues most often include “researching” a girl I met the day before at the bar, or incessantly railing against Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and other unintelligent fringe Republicans who baselessly purport to be speaking out on behalf of the “Average American”. But for the most part, Facebook has seen its day. It’s more of something I do out of habit, like drinking. Except that Facebook doesn’t offer the same mind bending stimulation as an ice cold pour of Hennessey Pure White…

I can’t say that this was always the case. When Facebook was good, it was great. I basically lived on it for the entire winter circa 2009. Oh that was a cold harsh winter. Facebook was really my only saving grace. I don’t know what was colder and more desolate that winter; the streets or my bed. My guess would be the latter. But in retrospect, my solitude that winter may have been attributed to the fact that I spent all of my waking hours on Facebook, and not nearly enough time making acquaintance with the PYTs in the streets.  

What I love most about twitter is its lawlessness. It really is the equivalent of cyber-anarchy. Whereas on Facebook, any commentary that could even be interpreted or misinterpreted as possessing a negative connotation is sure to draw some measure of reproach from some humanitarian do-gooder whom you haven’t seen since the first grade, Twitter on the other hand is a legitimate platform to proclaim any visceral, delinquent, offensive idea that pops into your mind. And nobody bats an eye. Hypothetically, one could aggressively berate babies & puppies on twitter. Nobody would care.  On the contrary, it's difficult to escape scott-free with a mild criticism of Hitler on Facebook.  

Additionally, one can post tweet after tweet of the most frivolous nature; “I just woke up”,” I brushed my teeth”, “I’m taking a shower”, and again, no backlash (Diddy Notwithstanding). Try that on Facebook.  2 status message posts in one hour might draw some sort of “you’re going kinda hard” smart ass remark. To which I would reply something along the lines of "Fall back hater, as clearly you’re covertly spending as much time logged on as I am. Geez."

And have you ever stayed in on a Friday night, I dunno, perhaps just in the house watching “The Best Man" or "Love & basketball" on BET, or a Heat vs Lakers vs Celtics vs Magic game (as apparently those are the only 2 movies BET has decided to purchase the rights to, and the only 4 teams ESPN & TNT are under contract with the NBA to broadcast) and just kept an eye on your Twitter timeline. Follower “A” is drunk as a skunk throwing up in the bathroom at the bar (while simultaneously & miraculously tweeting about it). Follower “B” is enjoying the sweet aroma & delicate high of organic, non-tobacco, non-nicotine sheesha at the hookah spot.  Follower “C” is on a mission to bumblefuck Prince Georges County Maryland, in a desperate attempt to bang out the pretty, albeit weave-laden, over-tatted redbone he met 2 hours earlier at Happy Hour.  All the while, you rest comfortably reclined at home, swigging cabernet out of your pseudo fancy Mikasa Red Wine glass, with a front row seat, living vicariously through Subjects A, B & C, salvaging a night, that might otherwise have been chalked up as a loss, having perversely committed it to sitting at home, watching Mark Jackson & Jeff Van Gundy mindlessly slurp the Black Mamba as he unconscionably hoists up one bad shot after another, with about 30% of them trickling down to the bottom of the net.  (#lakerhater)

Finally, the last thing I love about Twitter is that although perhaps unintentionally, it has become a secondary form of text messaging. Perhaps tertiary if you have BBM. I do not. But that’s neither here nor there. My point is that if I have something pertinent to say, I’ll probably call you. If my thoughts are of lower priority, I’ll shoot you a text. If I just wanna mention something to you, and the topic is neither time sensitive, nor confidential, I can just send you an “@mention” tweet. And I know that eventually you will respond. No pressure. ..  And really, what is better than that perfect moment in time, when the fireplace is lit, the wine is poured, the overpriced Comcast cable subscription is being put to full use, and your PDA is blowing up with text messages & @mention tweets, while you play some juvenile cell phone enabled videogame that you downloaded for free from the app store, all at once.  Oh, that moment is technological bliss!

May the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows.