My fastfood fixation

My Fast Food Fixation

In the Bible, God, in all of His infinite wisdom & glory, determined certain meats to be “clean” & others “unclean” thus selecting what foods are appropriate for human consumption.  Some fast food chains adhere to ultimate authority, others prefer to go a different route.

For example, Taco Hell. The fast food giant is currently running a commercial that just cracks me up. In the 30 second spot, a performer at a Piano bar passionately serenades the upscale clientele who are visibly displaying great disappointment with their rather miniscule orders of steak… Like most ad jingles, the ode to the beloved “Quad Steak Burrito” is simple, and hangs it hat on its exceptionally catchy chorus; “Four times the steak!” belted out at the top of the lounge singers lungs. The whole production is pure genius!

Still, I’m almost positive that the original lyrics to the aforementioned jingle were altered. The original lyrics were probably, “Four kinds of steak.” Yep, four totally different kinds of “steak”.

1 part beef,

1 part German Shepard,

1 part orangutan

 1 part the hyper-aggressive mutant being from Hollywood’s “I Am Legend”. You know the ones that lived in the dark, beat down Will Smith’s door, and effectively destroyed mankind. Yup, that kind of steak.

And of course I say all of that in jest, (well most of it), nevertheless, none of what I half-believe about Taco Hell’s meat quality or lack thereof  is going to keep me away from that Quad Steak Burrito.

Just as the idea that Chicken Nuggets are made from the most “unsavory” part of the chicken won’t stop me from eating nuggets from McDonalds.

Hell I don’t care if the Food & Drug Administration releases a report  stating that Chicken nuggets are made from pigeon extract & thus no longer deemed “fit for human consumption”, and I hear said report being broadcast on the radio as I’m pulling up to the McDonalds drive thru. And the cashier at the drive thru window makes me sign a waiver releasing McDonalds from any & all legal responsibility should I consume said nuggets, keel over & die. I’d still eat them!

Because while it’s true that Pigeon extract in and of itself, doesn’t sound exceedingly appetizing, there’s no denying once a deep fryer and honey mustard dipping sauce are applied, it becomes a delightful treat!

Hell, I’d even eat nuggets from McDowell’s, McDonald’s fictitious competitor in the movie “Coming to America”! If it’s good enough for the Prince of Zamunda, it’s good enough for me!

And as long as we’re on the topic of fictitious, we might as well address the synthetic nature of the cheese on those Arby’s Roast Beef & Cheddar Sandwiches. I dunno WTH that stuff is. For the sake of my rant, let’s label it “Over processed yellow goo”.  Be that as it may, I would cut my arm off for a heaping portion of that over processed yellow goo smothered over ½ lbs. of thinly sliced roast beef, served between the top & bottom portion of an Onion Roll.

And I’d probably cut your arm off for a juicy “Quarter White” portion of Boston Market chicken, with a side of creamed spinach, &  a side of Sweet potato casserole.

Now, at a glance, there’s seemingly nothing overwhelmingly unhealthy about Boston Market.  But if you delve only slightly deeper, you discover that Boston Market uses controlled substances like Heroin, & crack-cocaine in their recipes. Seriously, there’s no other explanation. Nothing can taste that consistently delectable. I mean have you ever in your life had a bad experience at Boston Market? Apart from having to witness sloth personified as the lethargic employees sluggishly take their sweet time to wrangle up all that goodness onto one plate to fill your order.

And how else do you explain the Sweet potato casserole. I don’t like sweet potato. I don’t even like casserole.  Yet I begin to exhibit symptoms such as anxiety, night sweats & dementia if I go too long without sweet potato casserole from Boston Market. You say conspiracy. I say potato… Sweet potato... Casserole.

Now if Boston Market Rotisserie Chicken is the benchmark for consistency, then your fried chicken restaurants, KFC & Popeye’s are the world’s most accurate yardsticks when seeking to measure spottiness. Their chicken is like Eli Manning’s passing efficiency. It drastically varies from one moment to the next.

However, seeing as I’m a savvy consumer, I’ve effectively managed to crack the code on how to ensure that I receive the “good” chicken. It’s quite simple actually. I just go to the locations in affluent neighborhoods. Well, there are no KFC or Popeye’s in affluent neighborhoods. So I go to the ones in middle or working class neighborhoods.  I just don’t go to the locations in the hood.

My 100% unproven hypothesis that I just concocted  at this very moment in my head is that many years ago, the original boards of directors of KFC & Popeye’s instituted corporate policy mandating that the good working white folks of America never come face to beak with an excessively poor quality bird.

Now while my theory may seem baseless on the surface, just think about it for a moment. The Board of Directors at KFC obviously consisted of “the Colonel” and his slave owning colleagues, who in all likelihood were white supremacists, so they desired white folk to have the good chicken.

And the original Board of Directors at Popeye’s was likely in the ancestry of the current Louisiana Popeye’s lady. Well she’s a coon in 2011. So can you imagine the measure of coonery & bafoonery her great granddaddy probably exhibited? Geez. He probably danced a jig for his “Massa Sir” as he served his chicken in the house for his slave owner’s family’s on Sunday Afternoons. So you know that was some quality chicken!

But if my vividly sad depictions aren’t enough to convince you, then just go try it for yourself. Go to a Popeye’s in the hood. If you think the Boston Market workers are unmotivated, you ain’t seen nothing yet. The world has never witnessed a look of more destitution, exhaustion, befuddlement, & sometimes, pure anger than that of a Popeye’s employee working at a location in the hood. A Popeye’s employee could actually hire the Boston Market employee to serve as his life coach, and actually reap some sort of emotional benefit & life skills from what he learns. A Popeye’s employee in the hood is as disenfranchised as the day is long.

As for KFC, we are unable to gauge the temperament and desperation levels of KFC employees because at KFC the only employee you can actually see is the cashier. KFC keeps them other mofos in the back, on the low.  Straight up & down witness protection program. John Boehner could be in the back frying up them chicken and we’d be none the wiser. I digress.

But don’t be deceived, these discrepancies in service & quality are by no means exclusive to Popeye’s and KFC. Have you been to a Wendy’s in a middleclass neighborhood?  Wendy’s in a nice neighborhood is like Brunch at the Ritz Carlton. I would seriously consider taking a 1^st date to a Wendy’s in a nice neighborhood. And if she doesn’t like it, then perhaps it’s an indication that she’s just a bit too uppity for my taste.

On the contrary, a Wendy’s in the hood is like… a Burger King, well, anywhere. I’ve never been graced with the opportunity to dine at a decent Burger King facility in my life. So my perspective is that decent BK facilities are like authentic Rolex Watches on Sale on Ebay for 75% off their market value. They simply don’t exist. But that’s okay, because I have low expectation. I’m grabbing a Whopper & hitting the road. Make that a Whopper with cheese. And not the naturally aged milk from a cow, kind of cheese either. That artificial, born in a can, “is this really cheese”, Arby’s, kind.  

Dammit! I lost track of time. This always happens to me. I was supposed to pick up the thin crust Philly Cheesesteak Pizza I ordered from Dominos 20 minutes ago!

Real G’s move in silence like lasagna