The Wifey Project...

"I’m looking for a Southern girl that cooks like Patty Labelle. Big ghetto booty. Scarf over her doobie. Chanel under her Louie.  Gucci over her booty. Vicki cover her t*tties. Attitude of the city... Pretty, witty, girly, worldly. One who likes to Party but come home early. Light, kinda dark, short, sorta tall, slim kinda thick, I swear I love them all…"

Jay Z “Girls, Girls, Girls Remix

And so spring has sprung. And what a glorious & unseasonably mild winter/beginning of spring we’ve enjoyed; temperatures soaring to near record levels. If this is climate change/global warming, then sign me up!

And with that, summer is just around the corner. Oh, my beloved summer, how I love thee…  Cookouts, rooftop affairs, happy hours. Oh, my precious summer… Just one considerable drawback. While theoretically & historically, I have lived for these moments; as a practical matter, this year, I’m not in the least bit excited…

You see, now that life has blessed me with enough longevity for me to say that I have transitioned comfortably into my 30’s, the idea of  these social outings no longer carries the same appeal as it has in past years… 

It’s a classic case of “been there, done that”… I mean, I’ve been in the game for 15 years now.

Don’t get me wrong. It was a good ride. I went to the conference finals in ’08. I won the championship & league MVP in ’09.... Parties, women, bottles; you know, the Black American dream…  But subsequently, as is the case with the vast majority of careers, I’ve experienced a steady decline. All the way to the point where the “game” has abjectly lost its once blindingly shiny luster... And while I undoubtedly look back on those times with immeasurable fondness, the truth is that I’m ready for a new chapter in my life; The Wifey Chapter.

And so the next step seems quite obvious. I'll will find a wifey… Unfortunately, as many of us already know, it’s not quite as easy as it sounds...

If you think about it, the idea of two single people sharing a reciprocal desire & adoration for one another, at the same space & time, isn’t quite as common as one might thing… If it were, it stands to reason that there would be considerably less single people out in the world today.

But I suppose it can’t be too hard, seeing that I’m of the male gender... Right now, not one, but two women I know are dating dudes without cars… When did having a viable means of private transportation get crossed off the female minimum basic standard checklist of dating prerequisites?

And then I have another friend who’s dating this poser who I recently saw out, playing “tonsil hockey” with a girl that could be his girlfriend’s identical twin, separated at birth. & the worst part is that when I saw them, they were seated right next to my date & I at a public establishment. You would think he would have demonstrated some measure of restraint, seeing as I was right there. But nope, not him. He just went on groping & tounge kissing his girlfriends stunt-double. The whole ordeal was just creepy.  But I dunno, maybe he thought this girl was his girlfriend. I mean she really was a spitting image... Anyway, point being, if this low-grade gigolo can have his cake & eat it too, then surely a man of my caliber can rustle up a "soft" 7.5 (soft meaning she has the ability to be an 8 on a good day).

But I digress…

Anyway, I am of the opinion that some people are just “lucky” in love. And for the rest of, finding our partner is a decidedly more arduous task.

Heck, I can only think of 2 women that I have dated in the past whom in theory, I would have desired to spend the remainder of my days with. And the reality is that both are long gone. And while I never say never, my good sense tells me that the chances that either one of these women will be walking back through my door anytime again in this lifetime is slim-to-none…

Still, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had the good fortune of making acquaintance with some truly phenomenal women. But at the end of the day, most lacked that ineffable quality that I am seeking in a long-term partner. And certainly, sometimes I lacked whatever merit or credential it was that she desired...

Anyway, not long ago, a woman I made acquaintance with casually informed me that she & her girls had recently decided to go on a date every week for 6 months, and see how things panned out. Sort of an “Eat, Pray Love” sorta thing, minus that pesky prayer portion of the exercise… Anyhow, I wasn’t surprised, as I’ve heard of women engaging in these sorts of dating experiments on a number of occasions.

And with that, I decided I too was going to engage in something of the sort…

My goal, 30 dates from April 1^st to September 1^st.

Now that may not sound like much to you, but as is often the case, the devil is in the details… When you break that down, that’s 30 “dates” in 5 months; or 6 “dates” per month. Roughly, 1 “date” every 5 days!

      And of course, when I made this announcement on Facebook & Twitter, immediately, the questions began to pour in. Well, more like trickle in. But why mince words?

        "Do you truly feel as though this is a morally upright venture?”

       

        “What is the definition of ‘wifey’?”

          “Do you actually think you can find 30 women in the city who won't know about this 

         project?" 

         “How are you going to find these 30 women?”

         “How much do you plan to spend?”

          “What exactly constitutes a ‘date’?”

         And my replies to these questions are as follows:

1) Yes I do feel as though this is a morally upright venture… So no, I am not experiencing any sort of moral dilemma or cognitive dissonance regarding this matter. After all, my intentions are pure... I absolutely know think that I’m totally  probably ready to find the woman with whom I will spend my life with with whom to enjoy a summer fling, & definitely  may be prepared tuck it in forever till the end of the 2012-2013 “Cuffin Season".

2) Well, by “wifey”, I mean that I am going to date her seriously. Like, I may actually have a conversation with her addressing our exclusivity. (Believe it or not, I’ve never actually had that conversation before. For me, it’s always been more of a mutual “understanding”.) & from that point on, I’m all in. It may or may not work out. But I’m not going to assist  our situation in not work out by doing silly stuff, like flirting with less-attractive women online (why is the wifey always hotter than the sidepiece), leaving my cell phone laying around unlocked, or unconscionably rolling over & going to sleep should she have been so kind as to break me off.

3) To me, the question of if I can find 30 women in the city who don’t know about the project is the most absurd. So although my blog has gained momentum over the past 13 months, & surely I’d like to fancy that everyone in DC & beyond is a devoted fan, I’d have to be fool to think that is actually the case… So yes, I do believe I can find 30 unwitting women to further my cause. In addition, I never have a photo of my face as my actual Twitter “Avi”.So I'm pretty much incognito.

One thing I know for certain is that I’m not expecting any “hookups” from any of my female friends. On the contrary, if I run into a female friend on an evening out “scouting”, I expect nothing but blocking... Like, world-class, All-Pro, 400lbs lineman, Green Bay Packer, BJ Raji, discount-double-check, premier run-stuffer in the league, type blocking... I just cant imagine any female knowingly subjecting one of her girls to my experimental dating project... 

4) How I intend on finding 30 women is a whole other story. As we already know, it’s pretty much slim pickens in these streets. So clearly I’m going to have to scour the city. Still, let’s not overcomplicate this matter... As a single man, perhaps 85% of my thoughts innately revolve around meeting women... 

What I will concede, is that I believe that the key to successfully completing this project is “day game”.  Yes, day game.  The ability to execute a successful "meet & greet" when the sun is either up or just beginning to set, & you don’t have the luxury of having a libation in your system, is an exceedingly undervalued skillset… Just this afternoon I was walking the dog, when I came across a racially ambiguous woman who complimented on the fine-looking nature of my dog, “Mooki”…And with that, I had an opening. And of course I froze up, exchanged a quick hello, & kept it moving. Grand Opening/Grand Closing. 

But my point is that we as men get openings like this all the time. But so often, we are unable to capitalize… For example, have you ever gone to the grocery store on a Sunday Evening? If you do, what you’ll notice are scores (well maybe not scores) of women, roaming the aisles, picking up nothing but a ½ gallon of Haagen Daz ice cream,  & a bottle of Moscato... When we as men see this, we need to pounce, immediately! We need to become a vulture! We need to become a pterodactyl!  If she’s out there with snacks and wine on  Sunday at 5pm, with no man by her side, we need to make immediate recognition that she definitely does not have a man waiting for her at home... & nothing reminds a woman of how much she needs a man more than a solitary Sunday afternoon. And so she is vulnerable. Or what I like to refer to as “low hanging fruit”.

I mean, short of coming up on the woman who owns the car in photograph below, finding a woman in desperate need of a man, gets no easier than Sunday evening at the grocery store... 

                                   

5) In terms of how much I plan to spend? Well, that’s a valid question. Admittedly, “The Wifey Project” could get pricey. In the winter, I could easily drop 3 grand in pursuit of a crusade of this nature. However, luckily, The Wifey Project is a warm-weather-sport… My budget is $1000 USD, or approximately $33/date. Well you say “how one earth are you going to accomplish such a heavy-lift, with such a thrifty budget?

Well, I’m going to be frugal. Not like cheap. But rather, “mindful”… If I’m out to dinner with a young lady, I will proceed in traditional fashion. I won’t purposefully deny her that extra glass of wine. & anyone who knows me knows that I certainly won’t deny myself that glass either!  However, dinner will be relegated to the select few… Instead, we’re going to do a lot of “cost effective” dating…

There are a myriad of low-cost opportunities… Just last week a girl asked me out to “coffee”. Now I’m not necessarily the “coffee” type, but perhaps it’s time for me to evolve. Who knows, you may just find me lurking in the corner booth at a coffee shop, sucking down Vente lattes, messing around on my Ipad, pretending to be diligently working on my PHD, when in fact I’m really just piddling around on Foursquare, posting about how I just became the new “Mayor” of Starbucks, and keeping a vigilant eye out for my next prospect…

And of course there are many spring & summer festivals that are coming up; DC “Truckaroo”, “Reggae Wine-fest”, “Jazz on the Mall”, & the DC Barbecue festival.  Or maybe it’s called “Ribfest”. I can’t remember what exactly that low-rent, country-bumpkin, honky-tonk affair is called. But I’ll be there...

I’ve met a few women who enjoy hiking. That’s a free date right there. Well not free/free. I’ll provide her with a bottle of 7/11’s finest no-frills, 8-ounce, 99 cent, bottled water… After all, I am a gentleman.

And what about when the inevitable heat wave hits, and its 100 degrees in the shade. I’ll take said opportunity to invite a woman (who’s not overly concerned with damaging her perm) to the pool…

I enjoy few things more than playing tennis. So as two-time “Tennis DC” runner-up, I imagine I’ll be giving a number of free tennis lessons this year… And let’s not forget about cookouts & house parties; the perfect setting for free dating to unfold…

And perhaps the best move I can conjure up is weekday lunch. Weekday lunch all but ensures no alcohol will be ordered. And as savvy daters know, drinks are what tend to boost the dating tab to regrettable heights. A beautiful spring or summer afternoon on an outdoor patio in the city, ordering from a (cheaper-than-dinner) lunch-priced-menu is the perfect opportunity to get in a quick date for $20-$30.

And this is actually a perfect segue to the last question… That being, “what constitutes a date?”

 6) Welp, a date is a predetermined one-on-one outing with a woman THAT I HAVE NEVER SPENT TIME WITH IN A ONE-ON-ONE SITUATION PREVIOUSLY…

So that just about covers the logistics of “The Wifey Project”

In regards to grading each date, I have a predetermined set of criteria/cursory evaluation of each woman, which I will use as a barometer… Most of which I will rate with a stringent 1-5 scale:

Face…

Body…

Personality…

Overall Style…

Overall fun had on date…

Overall “wifey” potential…

I’ll also provide you with details on:

How I met her…

Did she offer pay…

Does she have kids… (I do not)

Does she have an Ex-husband…(I do not have an ex-wife)

How far does she live from me… (I’m a close proximity dater)

Her education…

Next to last, I’ll provide you with my “closing percentage” for each week... For example, if I approached 5 women, and successfully procured 3 of these women’s contact information (be it a phone #, email address, Facebook or Twitter Handle), then my closing percentage for that week is 3/5.

And lastly, I’ll offer a pecking order for each date; in regards to how each woman is faring thus far. And I’ll carry this out all the way from date #2 (date #1 will obviously rank highest) to date # 30. For example:

1.     Date #5

2.     Date #3

3.      Date #1

4.      Date # 4

5.      Date # 2

So yeah, I would encourage you to hang on for the ride, and tune in every week. And together, we'll see how "The Wifey Project" unfolds…

                To Be Continued…   

            

                      “I’m trying girls out. Just waiting patiently, till I find the one for me!”   Jay Z –“Girls, Girls, Girls” Remix

Stuff Pretentious Young Nubian Women in DC who Annoy the Sh*t Outta Me Tweet

Happy New Year everybody. The American Negro is back for 2012!

Okay, so they forced me to do it. And please allow me to apologize to my readers who do not live in DC, for today’s blog is DC specific… Over the course of the past few days, I’ve been reading these hilarious “stuff upwardly mobile black people say”, and “stuff bougie black people say” et cetera... And at a certain point, I just couldn’t help but to partake…  So today, I present to you: “Stuff Pretentious Black Women in DC who Annoy the Sh*t Outta Me Tweet”…

"I just camped out in line for 4 days for the Black Friday extravaganza at  Georgetown Cupcake. Yeah, they had a sale on double chocolate red velvet cupcakes.  And girl, you know I love a sale. They’re usually $25 per cupcake, but if you stood on line for more than 48-hours, and tweeted a picture of the cupcake to at least 5000 followers, the cupcake was discounted to $24.98." 

               (Yes, this is the actual line just to get into Georgetown Cupcake on a 25-degree Night)

  

"We went to Lauriol Plaza for drinks. I had 1.325 Margarita Swirls, and now I'm tipsy.  Leggo!"

"Then we went over to Chicha Lounge. They have this new Zucchini-Mango-Walnut-vine-ripened-Guava-flavored-Hookah, inspired by Rita’s Iced Custard... FTW!"

"Yeah I just left the Department Of Energy. Now I’m doing consulting work at Booze Allen. 

(Memorial Day Weekend) "Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"

(Fourth of July Weekend) "Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"

("Labor Day Weekend) - Wheels up, I'm going to Miami Bitch!"

I work on the Hill.

"My brother’s fiance's niece is doing an internship at the White House, and she personally licked all the stamps for the invitations to the White House Correspondence Dinner (WHCD).." 

"I don’t dooo Park (at 14^th) anymore. I prefer H Street now. You know, like 'Smith Commons'.  But I heard they’re opening up a new Vietnamese Pho Restaurant in Navy Yard in the year 2025. I can’t wait!!!"

"You want to take me to dinner? That sounds doable. What’s today? January 20^th? Well, I’m pretty much booked with charitable projects for the next 4 -5 months. But maybe I can fit you in this summer… (checks calendar) Let’s see... Looks like I’m going to Reggae Winefest the second weekend in June.  Then the next weekend is Truckaroo. The weekend after that is BBQ festival at National Harbor . The weekend after that, Wheels up, I’m going to Miami Bitch! Then the weekend  after that I have the annual Delta-AKA- joint venture multi-national conglomerate charity project which raises money for Congressional Black Caucus awareness month... Then my line sister is getting a table at Buddha Bar for Howard Homecoming. But I may be able to fit you in the week after that. Not sure tho, because I think there may be a Northern Virginia Urban League Happy Hour/retreat that weekend. It’s not confirmed yet, but the district-attorney-general-comptroller of Fairfax County public schools has been approached to be the keynote speaker. And if he is, then I can’t miss that. So either that weekend, or the next. .. Does that work for you?"

"Girl, last night after Happy Hour, I went down to Alfred Street Baptist Church for C.A.Y.A... ... ... Girl, the name of it is 'Come As You Are'. So I went as I was... drunk!"     ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"We were gonna do brunch at Busboys, but I refused because they only serve standard mimosas & Bellini’s. I’m more of a Strawberry Mimosa kind of girl nowadays. So we went over to Creme on U street instead." 

"I went to Howard. You know, the real HU… I studied International Public Relations Systems Management…  And Economics. .. It was a double major."

"Then I went on to earn my Juris doctorate from Georgetown… But I refuse to practice in North America. We live in an exceedingly litigious society. I much prefer the ancient hieroglyphic judicial system of Mesopotamia & the Dead Sea Nations.  So I sent out a few resumes to a some Turkish firms. I’m  still waiting for a response." 

"My favorite food??? Hmm, lemme think. That’s a tough question. It depends on the day really... On Mondays it’s Thai. But only sautéed tangerine curried chicken skewer ice cream sundaes. Tuesdays is Moroccan. Wednesdays is Vietnamese Pho. Thursdays is Vietnamese Barbecue.  Friday is of Mandarin, duh… But on the weekend, I get it in! Fried Chicken & lightly-toasted waffles! But only with Vanilla-maple-syrup. But the vanilla has to be organic & locally grown.  Duh!"

"I just bought a membership to Vida Fitness. I used to go to Washington Sports Club, but girl, you know they only have aquatic-aerobic-belly-dancing-classes on Saturdays... At Vida, I can get my Aquatic Aerobic belly Dancing in on Mondays… Which frees me up for Spinning class on Tuesdays… 1000 degree-hot-yoga on Wednesdays…  Aura Spa Thursdays…  And Dali Lama-inspired-Ancient Chinese- Pilates on Fridays..."

"Yeah, Vida Fitness is expensive, but I got a discount. I’m only paying $299 per month. And they usually make you sign a 36-month contract, but since I graduated Alpha-Kappa-Alpha-Cum-Lade at UPenn, I was able to negotiate it down to 35 months… Girl, you know I don’t play!"

"I’m a Corporate litigator.My firm advocates for over-privileged, under-taxed, private equity firm CEO’s who are paying more than $75 per square foot for their office lease agreement. But my dream is to eventually help low income minorities & disenfranchised youths."

"Well, technically I live in PG County. But I only live like 15 minutes from the Montgomery County border, soooo I just usually say I live in MoCo. I mean, I guess it’s PG if you wanna be all specific!" O_o

I just got my admission letter to UDC Law! Yeah girl, UDC isn’t just a community college anymore. Their law center is on the come up! I’m in the duel MBA program. So when I graduate, they’re going to place me in the socio- geo-political-Managerial fast-track program at Lockheed Martin… It’s a specialized program for HR professionals. 

"I’m a consultant… My job duties??? ... I consult. Duh! Girl, you silly!"

"I’m taking a hiatus from my job on The Hill to volunteer for  reelectbarackobama2012.org"

"I’m gonna need Sasha & Malia to do better. But nonetheless, they are soooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!"

"I’m a staff attorney for WWF."

"What do you mean which WWF? Both.  We advocate for diseased & drug addicted former pro wrestlers, AND endangered Panda bears in the North Pole. Duh!"

Public school?!?! NEVER!!! I went to high school at “The-Holy-Redeemer-Trinity-Episcopalian-Private-Academy-For-Gifted-Young-Negro-Children... Yeah, it’s a subsidiary of the Jack & Jill, Martha’s Vineyard Chapter.

We got in it for dinner!

Yeah, then after dinner we had Organic-Shrimp-Vinaigrette- smoked- Gouda- Quiche- stuffed-salmon-Soufflé for dessert…  And giiiirl, It was EVERYTHANG!!!!!

                                                        “Too hard for MTV. Not Black enough for BET” – Jada Kiss

It's cold out here in these streets, & only getting colder...

In all honesty, today's blog is not of my own doing... However, while reading the subjacent text (an email), I found myself so jaw-droppingly perplexed by the breathtaking desperation expressed, that I felt it far more worthy than a simple Facebook post. And seeing as I've previously penned 22 blogs consisting of original material, I found it appropriate to share this with my readers. ... What you are about to experience is an email that matriculated its way into my inbox. It was written by a gentleman, who met a woman, and took her out on ONE DATE! And so while many of you may have unwisely had the wool pulled over your eyes by the unusually mild Autumn season we have been so fortunate to enjoy; the fact remains that it is December. And as Kid Cudi taught us, "the devil dances, & eventually answers, to the call of Autumn". Cuffin' Season is inevitable. It's cold out here in these streets. And only getting colder...

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages.

FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can't see someone's body language or tone of voice in an email. I'm not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I'm honest and direct by nature, and I'm going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I've never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn't look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I've never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, "It was nice to meet you." at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn't interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said--that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don't think I'm being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don't go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I'm curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it's difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don't, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don't want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn't want to go again. Normally, I wouldn't ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don't want to go again, then apparently you didn't think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you're not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn't given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you're planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future. As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You're very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn't take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars. That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I've gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I'm not a serial dater. Sometimes, I've only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it's better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don't want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you're concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don't want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I'm sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don't want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn't act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it's not perfect. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I'm disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don't want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike


I particularly enjoy the way "Mike" had the audacity to close this rant with an "etc.". As if there was actually more to say. lol.  

"Never mind I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you. 'Don't forget me', I begged. I remember you said, 'Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.'" - Adele: "Someone Like You"

Black Girl Lost...

                       "Maya Angelou. Nikki Giovanni. Turn one page & there's my mommy"  - Kayne West                 

My mother was a fabulous woman. She arrived in this country at the tender age of 23, and by the time she went home to be with the Lord, 35 years later, she had  touched  scores of lives personally, & thousands more through her sparkling 37 year career at the United Nations...  But more than just style, she possessed substance...  I vividly recall one occasion when she told me, "there's a fine line between sophistication & crass"...  I think she was mostly right... What I've found is that there's a  not just a "fine line", but rather, a considerable gap between sophistication & crass. There's a difference between style & substance... There's just something about formal education. It's more than just what you learn in a classroom. It's about co-mingling with like-minded people who possess a measure of "actright". And yes, for many individuals, formal education can often times be substituted by life experience; but or most people, education is the most viable path... 

Last night, in lieu of a full bodied woman, I sat down with a full-bodied glass of Cabernet, & fired up my precious DVR... On my agenda; the season finale of Basketball Wives L.A., and the Season Premieres of both "Love & Hip Hop", and "Real Housewives of Atlanta"... What I felt was a an overwhelming sensation of cognitive dissonance. On one hand, like many people, I was greatly entertained... The remarkable tomfoolery repeatedly demonstrated by these women provided for nearly 3 hours of bellowing laughter... But on the other hand, I found the portrayal of Black women that was being disseminated to mainstream America, to be somewhat concerning.

I think Bravo (TV Network) really missed an opportunity when casting The Real Housewives of DC... The casts of Orange County, Beverly Hills, New York & New Jersey are all white. However, the cast of Atlanta, is predominantly black, with of course Kim being the exception... I truly feel that the cast of DC could have been predominantly black, or at the very least 50/50. And because of the nature of women in DC, the nation could have been exposed a more sophisticated & educated brand of black women, than that of Atlanta.

Heck, the Bravo casting director would'nt have had to have travel any further than my own condomium complex to find a bevy of accomplished black women... I could literally walk out of my home, not leave my complex, and knock on the doors of two legitimate black female entrepreneurs, two 3rd year med students, a dental student, a Congressional staff attorney, a federal employee who significantly affects national legislative policy (which affects us all), an architect, a teacher, & the former DC Mayoral press secretary, who recently left her prestigious position, to ascend to greater heights. And not one of these women is over 33 years of age... And I don't say that to be braggadocios, as I can tell you that all of these women are far more accomplished than am I... But rather, I say all of that to say that there are a myriad of impressive black women out there. And if I can find such a prodigious brood of women within a stones throw from my home, why is it that when we turn on the television, we are relegated to imagery of well dressed, yet miseducated, misbehaved, "gold digger" types, who many I suspect skipped out on formal education, and instead, latched onto men who had either "made it", or unbeknownst to them, eventually would.

As black people, when we are channel surfing, its almost as if we have some sort of innate component that compels us to automatically stop on a channel, when we see a black person pictured. I would attribute this tendency to the fact that quite frankly, there aren't very many black figures on TV.

And therein lies the issue.  You see, it's not that the Real housewives of New York or New Jersey don't behave badly ( as it is well-publicized that the casts of Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious & Real Housewives of New Jersey, give many Italian-Americans fits), however, as white people, there is such a large representation of white faces on television, that the ones who are behaving badly, essentially become, "the micro".. Whereas for blacks, the opposite is true.  By no fault of their own, the women in the reality shows we love so much, are serving as the dominant portrayal  of  black women on television, thus, they represent "the macro".

So while misbehaved white faces on TV constitutes merely "a drop in the ocean"; black women on these reality shows, are more like "a drop in the bucket".

And so this imagery is not only detrimental because it perpetuates stereotypes in the eyes of other races & ethnicities,  but it is also dangerous because these are also the women that little black girls (and I suspect some also some grown-ass-women) turn on the television and see (and potentially emulate) each & every night.

And of course some of you will say that this is where parenting comes in. And I wouldn't disagree. However, I think there is a long track record suggesting that even with the most loving & well-intentioned parental units, many times, people are led astray.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of these elitists who think that a formal education is the exclusive means to achieving great success. In fact, if you turn on the television, you will find many instances where the opposite is true... All that I am suggesting is that  often times there is a certain etiquette & decorum that I notice is demonstrated in women who did value their education.

I find it nothing short of astonishing, that if you were to ask the woman whom the subjacent leg (equipped a tattoo of a zipper spanning the greater part of her calf & thigh) what two words most accurately describe her, I can tell you that without hesitation, she would inexplicably reply, "classy" & "sassy", without batting an eyelash. And because the definition of sassy is "distinctively smart & stylish", I think it is safe to conclude that this tomfoolery is neither sassy nor classy.

I also find it breathtakingly preposterous that a grown ass black woman (I saw the driver) found it appropriate to all but vandalize her truck with this gaudy, zebra print, legendary reggindary paint job.

What is most jaw dropping to me, is that these women, in their heart of hearts, truly believe they are fabulous... And I consider it is that same nature of misguidance that would lead these same types of women, who are pictured on television; one moment tooling around town in the the foremost symbol of accomplishment & sophistication, (the Range Rover), to 10 minutes later, being pictured, rolling around on the floor, embattled in fisticuffs, & pulling each others wigs off, in the most crass manner.

And who knows, maybe I am being somewhat harsh. Perhaps these women were just one high school science & technology program, or collegiate-summer-internship-opportunity away from heading in the right direction. But for whatever reason, somewhere along the way, something clearly went horrendously awry... My only hope is that young girls growing up are aspiring to be more like Michelle Obama, than Nene Leakes.


"Diamonds all shining. Looking all fine. Pretty lil' face. You get a lil' high. Young girl struggling. Trying to survive. Mother of the Earth, she made you & I... ... ...  There goes a Black Girl Lost" - Nas 

REGGIN Please (Pronounced Red-Gin with a soft "G")

"Grab the keys to the five, call my niggas reggins on the cell, bring some weed beer, I got a story to tell."

Notorious B.I.G

As some of you already know, this past weekend, I was involved in a fairly nasty three-car-pile-up.

And though after 3 days, I've finally resigned myself to the fact that for the next month, I’ll more-than-likely be riding around in some God-awful, compact, rental car; equipped with 15 inch hubcaps, manual windows, and cloth interior;  I’m still really upset about it…

It all happened on Saturday evening as I was travelling from a Howard University Homecoming tail gate party, to the after party at the bar; when some girl driving a Toyota Prius, (I later learned her name was Lashonda Hightower) with her toddler daughter (Dashonda Hightower) in the backseat, rear ended me, after she was rear ended by another dude (who I later learned was named Reggie Wilson) driving a Toyota Camry…

Lashonda claims that her "short stop" was caused by a "bus” that suddenly slammed the brakes in front of her. Causing Reggie's Camry to run into the back her car, propelling her car into mine.

Seeing as how Ms. Hightower came careening into me, and not a bus, I remain perplexed as to just what “bus” stopped short in front of her… And so with that, I am irate.

And while I was able to maintain my composure & refrain from going all animal thug at the scene of the accident, (for a number of reasons), including the fact that I was mildly contemplating spitting game at Lashonda... I mean, she was nothing to write home about: Brown-skinned, weave, bicep tattoo, and one 3rd-helping of sweet potato pie at Thanksgiving dinner away from transitioning from "thick" to "too thick"... You know, pretty much your "Standard Native-DC Nubian"...

But seeing as we were just 8 days out from the start of 2011 Cuffin' Season, I have resorted to grasping for straws. So yeah, I considered spitting game. That was until I witnessed Lashonda slam her cell phone on the passenger seat of her car and heard her tell her toddler daughter, Dashonda:

“Your bitch-ass daddy must be havin’ a helluva good time with one of his skinny little whores because he won’t pick-up his G*d damn phone. That m*thfucker stay lunchin. I know he hears his phone ringing. That bastard just tweeted like 5 minutes ago..”

And so with that, I decided it was probably in my best interest to leave her be.(Though apparently Reggie had decided otherwise, as I later saw him try to go in for the kill.). Speaking of Reggie, I turned around to the Toyota Camry, and saw him light up a Black & Mild... I shook my head as I realized that I was surrounded by #reggins... At that point my own #reggin alarm went off in my own head, and I scurried back to my car to take the 5 bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade ( that I had smuggled from the tailgate) that were on the passenger seat, and coyly stash them in the trunk before the police arrived on the scene.

Anyway, today I picked up the accident report from the police station…Upon returning home, I decided I needed to investigate further, as to figure out just how far the claims process had progressed.

Initially, I was a little worried about Reggie trying to pull a fast one, as at the scene of the accident, he had stated that the Camry he was driving belonged to his mother…

As I scanned the accident report, I noticed that his insurance company was listed as “North Carolina Auto Insurance Company.” And of course I thought WTF #reggin ass company is that? But you know how #reggins are; they're not happy unless they're employing the most bootleg companies on the open market.

And so after continuing to scan the accident report, and surprisingly seeing that Lashonda Hightower's insurance company was the very reputable, State Farm, I decided to call them first.

The first issue that I encountered with State Farm was pertaining to their decentralized business model… These mofos tried to to transfer me to every incompetent, independent #reggin sales agent, up & down the East Coast.

The first number I called, was some bloodthirsty #reggin, actually named Willis Jackson, who apparently decided to ignore my repeated requests to be transferred to claims, and instead attempted to try to push a new, full-coverage auto policy, fully-equipped with no-cost, cracked-windshield  service & new car replacement coverage... I reiterated to Mr. Jackson that I was not interested. And that I needed to be transferred to the claims department.

And with that, Willis transferred me to another State farm rep, whom of course was yet another #reggin. This time, Tyisha Jenkins… Tyisha, seemingly in desperate need of a commission, attempted to hock a homeowners policy to me, TWICE, despite the fact that I had clearly declined her gorilla sales tactics, politely explaining to her that I was “all set” on homeowners insurance.

And that is when Tyisha decided to transfer me to the king of all #reggins; Carmello Jackson…  Mr. Jackson, upon picking up the phone immediately apologized for any unclear verbatim, as he explained that he was “in the middle of knocking back some leftover Honey Chipotle Barbecue wings that his wife had made for dinner last night”…  I shook my head. Still I tried to be cordial… That was of course until he mentioned some irrelevant sh*t about how I could save up to 20% on my insurance if I opted to insure my automobile, home & boat, under his Umbrella coverage.

And this is precisely the moment when I lost it.…

I informed Mr. Jackson that I don’t own a boat. But I do own two pair of boat shoes. And that I would have “no problem placing said boat shoes on his neck.”, if he failed to be so kind as to transfer me to a centralized, State Farm, claims call-center.

And with that, Carmello, acting surprised & expressing a tone of indignation, as if I were the one that was crazy, finally transferred me to the claims center… After an unconscionable 35 minute hold, I was informed by claims rep, Jamar Brown, that State Farm had made an unsuccessful attempt to contact the operator of the Toyota Camry, Reggie Wilson. And that they also had not had any luck locating Reggie's insurance company.

Jamar then went on to ask me if I would be so kind as to fax to him the accident report, as his system notes read that although “a call had been placed to DCPD earlier that morning, they had currently been unable to acquire a copy of the report."

At that point I hung up the phone and called Geico. I provided my Geico rep (consequently her name was Lizzy McDermott) with Reggie Wilson's name, telephone number, driver’s license number, and North Carolina Auto Insurance policy number… Lizzie put me on hold and within 2 minutes came back and told me that they had successfully identified the  Insurance company of the driver of the Toyota Camry as “#Reggin Mutual.” Lizzie then went on to provide to me the name & telephone number of the insurance adjuster at #Reggin Mutual who was handling the claim.

I called State Farm back and told Jamar Brown that Geico had identified the 3rd party insurer and info. And Jamar was all:

"Wow, how'd they get it so fast"...

I replied:

Um, probably because whereas  you Jamar, didn’t actually do sh*t; the good white folks at Geico actually picked up the telephone and placed a call.

It then became glaringly obvious to me that  State Farm insurance company is clearly owned & operated by incompetent #reggins. It probably started out owned by whites, but at some point, not unlike Prepaid legal & YTB Travel, they probably decided that it was just easier to sell independent contracting rights to entrepreneurial-minded blacks.  Hell, Herman Cain probably even peddles State Farm insurance out of a Godfathers Pizza storefront in Atlanta.

And that is precisely the moment when I realized that you can continue support black-owned business if you want to, but from this point forward, I prefer the companies that I do business with to be run by Anglos. Preferably Jews, but really, any Anglos will suffice.

And of course as Chris Rock said, there's a difference between Black folks & niggas #reggins. And obviously there are many profitable, efficient, customer-service-oriented, Black-owned businesses. But unless & until Angie's List creates some sort of online mechanism to differentiate between the two, I think I'm off of black-owned business for awhile.

And of course many of you #regginlovers will ruthlessly criticize me for my position. You'll say I'm being ignorant, close-minded & unfair... And to that, I simply respond:

#RegginPlease!

“Tell Mommy I don’t go to the church. Tell  Ak I don’t go to the Mosque. I blow blunts, hold guns, and Imma be right there when the soldiers go march. I play my part, & my heart seems colder than March. But on the flip side of things, my heart’s warmer than June.” – Styles P.

I Want Winners! I Want People That Want To Win!

"The lockout has been lifted, and we're just over 2 weeks away from the official start of the 2011-2012 "Cuffin Season". Recently, a few friends and I got together for an owners’ meeting.  Our agenda was to discuss the overall state of the league..."

When my friends & I get together, we often amuse ourselves through the casual use of a combination of metaphors & allegories, like that of which was demonstrated in the previous paragraph. I call it " Pig Nig Latin".


Anyway, if you don't know what an allegory is, don't worry. Nobody does... & if you don't know what a metaphor is, then  I strongly suggest you consider going back and coppin' your GED...


Okay, so for the purpose of this blog, I have translated of our "Nig Latin" text in (bold, italicized, parentheses)... ... Here's how our recent conversation went down: 

Me: “Only a couple weeks left till the start of Cuffin Season. How's the Franchise lookin'?” (What’s your chick situation looking like for the upcoming winter?)

"Levar": “Not good. I traded away my starting QB in the offseason because I thought I drafted her replacement.” (I left the girl I was dating for another girl)

Me: “And...”

Levar: “And she refuses to report to training camp. She's holding out for more money.” (She won’t commit. I think she’s the golddigger type. She probably thought I had money because I was poppin' bottles in the club the night I met her. But since she found out I work at the mall, she hasn't called me back)

Me:  "Don't panic dude.You just gotta take the players you already have and coach em up. See how they perform during OTA's & mini-camp. It's all about player development”. (Forget her ass. You still have a couple prospects left on your team. That one joint you were with last week is kinda decent. Get her in the gym. Tone her up a bit, and she'll be lookin' right.)

We also discussed other issues on the table, like:

Salary Cap: (Are you willing to commit to shelling out a substantial amount of money for the purposes of general dating, holiday gift exchange & Valentine’s Day fare?)

Guaranteed contract: (Is it your intention to be in an exclusive relationship with the woman whom you are dating?)

Length of Contract: (Is this simply a winter boo situation, or are you potentially seeking to renegotiate, and extend the relationship into the spring?)

Bonuses – (If she acts right, and things are going well, are you willing to reward her by footing the bill for a Tiffany's Charm bracelet, or even a weekend getaway; perhaps skiing, or maybe South Beach?)

Yes, these are all crucial issues that must be addressed before both sides can mutually come to a "Collective Bargaining Agreement". (A monogamous relationship)

My boy "Mike" is in pretty good shape:  Training camp had gone well for him. (The girl he’s dating hadn’t acted up, or demonstrated any characteristics suggesting that she might be “crazy”)… I mean she isn’t All-Star Material (She’s not that hot) but she's good enough to take him deep into the playoffs (She's decent enough to serve as a warm body to effectively get Mike through the winter)

But Mike has the tendency to fumble the rock. (Often times, he says the wrong things to women). So Mike just needed to avoid putting the ball on the turf (saying something stupid). And this time Mike held onto the rock (He kept his mouth shut). And so he methodically drove the ball nearly all the way down the field. (He’s been pretty patient with this girl).

A 5-yard-run here, (traditional dinner date) a 25-yard-pass there (he coughed up the money for two tickets to the musical"Fela".)... 

Mike was smart. He took what the defense gave him.(She still hasn't let him hit it yet, but they made out a bunch of times. And after the last time they hung out, Mike texted me to say that he had "finally gotten to 2nd base"). And now Mike is inside the Redzone, poised to score. (She just drunk texted Mike, asking him to come over her place).

Coincidentally, as soon as Mike got her text message, he was out the door. 5 minutes later he tweeted that he was "doing a buck on the 95" (Driving 100mph on 95 South) {She lives 10 miles south, in Virginia} 

On the other hand, my other boy "Rodney" never drives the ball methodically. He's prefers to run the "No Huddle", and stays in "Shot-gun" formation. (Rodney has no patience for these broads. Either he gets it quick, or he’s out). But Rodney also forgot about the mistake he made that prematurely ended last years playoff run (Rodney f*cked up last winter), when he refused to kick a field goal going into halftime. (Rodney shoulda gave the girl more than a week of dating before he started nagging her for sex). But instead  he wanted  to score a touchdown (He pressured her for sex). But the Hail Mary Pass was deflected in the endzone  (she refused to give him sex, suggesting that it was just too early in their relationship for all that) & he lost the game (Rodney got kicked to the curb).  His fate; a long, cold off-season (Last winter, the only thing Rodney was clutching was his pillow... Well, that and one other thing.)

Finally, there's my boy "Dan". He moved here from Cleveland. He got rid of his starting Point Guard, even though she was a dependable veteran (His longtime girlfriend). She never complained about the coach, even when they went through multiple losing seasons. (She had stuck with Dan through thick & thin. She even held it down with him when he failed the Bar Exam, twice). But despite the fact that she led the league in assists (she was kind, thoughtful & unselfish), Dan really wanted to sign a young phenom from Greece. Or was it Spain? Maybe it was both ( Dan wanted a younger, hotter, poly-ethnic chick). And so Dan gutted his roster, (he began to neglect his side chicks), all in the hopes of clearing enough cap space to sign that blockbuster free agent. (The younger, hotter, poly-ethnic chick)

But unfortunately, Dan's blockbuster free agent bypassed his offer. And instead, she opted to take her talents to South Beach. (She rolled down to Miami for the weekend with a Pro Ball Player, and never spoke to Dan again.)

And so gentlemen, today I leave you with this inspirational video from former San Francisco 49er head coach, the venerable Mike Singletary... Singletary is a champion. He won a Superbowl in 1985, while playing linebacker for the Chicago Bears.

And fellas, I ask you meditate on this video... Play it when you’re sprucing up for happy hour this weekend, or when you’re ironing your button-down & pre-gaming with the cheap vodka that you previously poured into an empty Grey Goose bottle, just in case a chick came over... Play it next weekend, before you leave out for that Howard Homecoming Weekend Event. And the week after, as you put on your costume for that Halloween Party. For November 1st begins Cuffin Season. And so fellas, for the next 2 weeks, this should be your mantra. Because now, more than ever, it's CRUNCH-TIME!

"I will not tolerate players that think it's about them, when it's about the team. And we cannot make decisions that cost the team, and then come off the sideline, and its nonchalant. No. You know what? This is how I believe, OK? I'm from the old school. I believe this: I would rather play with 10 people and get penalized all the way, until we've got to do something else. Rather than play with 11 when I know that right now that person is not sold out to be a part of this team. It is more about them than it is about the team. Cannot play with them! Cannot win with them!! Cannot coach with them!!! Can't do it!!!! I WANT WINNERS!!!!! I WANT PEOPLE THAT WANT TO WIN!!!!!!"  
                                                            
                                                           ~Mike Singletary~


                     

The Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents Plan: A model for Global Economic Recovery; inspired by Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan

"Give em’ gum. Give em’ guns. Get em ‘young. Give em’ fun. But if they aint givin’ it up, then they ain’t getting none. And don’t give em all man, nah, just give em some.”- Lupe Fiasco

I have a confession. Sometimes I follow celebrities on Twitter for the express purpose of heckling them. For example, I recently started following NFL Wide receiver, and reality show co-star, Hank Baskett, just so that I could inquire with him as to how on earth he managed to stay in the league for 5 seasons, despite his grossly obvious lack of talent.

The most recent victim of my admittedly sophomoric hijinks is GOP presidential nominee Herman Cain. In fact, I have made it somewhat of a daily ritual to tweet Mr. Cain with disparaging remarks. And not because I don’t like him simply because he’s a Black Republican; but rather, because in an effort to pander to white folks, Cain has consistently taken to making such outrageously offensive public remarks as:

“Black people are brainwashed…”   

&

“If you’re not rich, don’t blame Wall Street, blame yourself.”

He even went so far as to refer to himself as “Black Walnut Ice Cream” on Fox News…  And in his autobiography, unapologetically documented how he was “unaffected” by the Civil Rights Movement, & how he hastily scurried off to the back of bus when the white man instructed him to do so.

And so apparently, Mr. Cain’s strategy to coon & buffoon his way to the White House is (temporarily) working.  (Though he needs look no further than Colin Powell & Michael Steele to realize just how long that’ll last.)

And so while some might suggest that the GOP’s current love affair with Cain, effectively throws a monkey-wrench into my theory that; “Republicans hate President Obama because he’s black”. I would argue that historically, the Slave master often times maintained a special place in his heart for his “House negro”.

And I suspect that it is Cain’s constant kowtowing, that according to the most recent NBC news poll, has recently exalted him to the top of the field, as the front-running candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

So yes, for now, a Black man is riding high in the GOP. But not just any black man. For aside from Cain’s, Tiki Barber/ Wayne Brady-ish antics, Herman Cain has the persona of a cut & dry, plain as day, country n*gga... A-slick-talkin’, back-child-support-dodgin’; homemade-Barbecue-sauce-mixin’; ain’t-never-been- across-state-lines, backwoods, country nigga…

He strikes me as the type of black man who has spent the past decade of his life, ineffectively trying to raise the $500 it would cost him to purchase his Uncle Joonbug’s used Chevy truck, so that he can finally make good on his word of starting his own plumbing business.   But every time he manages to save about $450, he gets drunk off a bottle of Southern Comfort, and blows the money on diseased whores & crack-cocaine.

But no, that is not at all who Herman Cain is. In fact, it is quite the contrary. Herman Cain is quite the accomplished gentleman.  After experiencing humble beginnings in Georgia, Cain pulled himself up by his bootstraps; attending Morehouse College, and eventually ascending the ranks to become CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. And so despite that fact that I despise the man's politics,as a fellow black man in America,  I have to respect his lofty accomplishments ...

Fast-forward to 2011, and Cain's latest accomplishment is his highly visible presence in the Republican National Primary race.

And for the most part, he’s doing it by suggesting that if elected, he will call for a constitutional amendment, effectively throwing out the current tax code, and replacing it with his “9-9-9” program… 9% income tax… 9% corporate tax… 9% national sales tax

So I figure if that slick-talkin’; white-folks-kowtowin’; black-folk-denigratin’; back-of-the-bus lovin', country Negro, has the right to introduce a plan with the intentions of saving our great nation from economic collapse…  

Then this, big-butt-and-smile-trustin’; find-me-in-the-club-bottle-full-of-bub-bustin’’; yet-waits-till-AT&T-sends-me-a- text-message-to-remind-me-that-my- bill-past-due-payin, Negro, has the right to present my National Economic Recovery Plan too. .. Because the truth of the matter is, that neither myself nor Cain will be elected “dogcatcher”, let alone Leader of the Free World...

I call it my plan the “Four Dollars & Sixteen Cent’s Plan”

So let’s pretend for a moment that I’m running for President. And for the purpose of this exercise, I will operate under the name B’raque.

Hey why not?  I figure there will be a legion of little black kids with bastardized spellings of “Barack”, starting kindergarten over the course of the next decade.

Anyway, I, "B’raque Yeezy Fish-fillet Mayweather", am running for the Democratic Party Nomination for the President of the United States of America. And my platform issue is the “War against Obesity.”

I know that part of what makes our country so unhealthy, is our immeasurably high, collective intake of High Fructose Corn Syrup. (HFCS hereafter)... HFCS has a higher quantity of fructose than do traditional cane sugars. So although the body processes both in a similar way, HFCS is considerably more damaging to one’s heath than is refined sugar... And so I suggest that we as a nation make a decision to substantially reduce our HFCS intake, and in lieu of HFCS, make the smart choice to consume more refined sugar…

And so with what I think is a neutral, non-offensive, non-controversial, platform issue, I'm off the Iowa for the Iowa Caucus.

The presidential race officially begins with the Iowa Caucus.  The Iowa caucuses are extremely important because they are the first major electoral event of the nominating process for President of the United States… And so while the Iowa Caucus is by no means a guarantee of which candidate will be the next president of the United States, the general consensus among pundits is that it is considered to be a viable indicator of success, and thus, one that is paid close attention to.

And so if I, B’raque Yeezy Fish-fillet Mayweather, as a candidate for the highest office in the land, do not perform well in the Iowa Caucus, my potential donors will begin to seek a more viable candidate to give their money to...

And so it is imperative that I perform well in Iowa... Just one problem. I got clobbered in the Iowa Caucus, effectively ending any legitimate shot I had at winning the Democratic Nomination... 

So just why did I get beat-down in the Iowa caucus, ?

Well because our Political system is a “donor system”. Meaning, our politicians receive campaign contributions from “Special Interest” groups. These special interest groups are comprised of individuals, organizations, unions, and of course, corporate donors…  And often times, these are very generous contributions.

And our Politicians depend on these generous contributions in order to maintain their campaigns, win elections, and win reelection; so that they can effectively remain in office, pay their bills, and feed their families. 

And it’s all very straightforward. It’s a money game. 94% of the time, the candidate that raises the most money, wins the election. And so if I get outspent,  in all likelihood, I cannot win…

And I did not win, because corn syrup is a primary ingredient in soft drinks and often hidden in processed foods, including salad dressings, ketchup, jams, jellies, ice cream & bread. And so in order to keep production costs low, thus increase profits, Giant Multinational Corporations obviously prefer to use HFCS as opposed to natural cane sugar…

So now, despite having what I initially thought would be a nice, neutral platform issue, I have made giant corporations like Coca Cola, Pepsi & Heinz, very upset. Not to mention the Health Insurance & Pharmaceutical companies, who generate billions of dollars annually, in the treatment of diabetes, hypertension, high blood pressure, and other diseases brought on by HFCS.

So now, instead of these special interest groups contributing to my campaign, they turn on me, and instead choose to help to finance my opponent’s campaign.

My opponent then used said contributions to run negative ads against me in Iowa. And then the people of Iowa, whose main cash crop is corn, turned around and said, “Well there’s no way I’m going to vote for B’raque”; because corn syrup obviously derives from corn, which happens to be Iowa’s primary cash crop, thus, the primary means by which the people of Iowa feed their families.

The overwhelmingly visible negative ads in Iowa were just too much for me overcome. I lost the Iowa caucus, and thus I lost my campaign contributors, because losing the Iowa Caucus is the political “kiss of death.”

And so in order to maintain my candidacy for president, instead of following through with my initial intention to promote the war on obesity, instead, I retract my initial position, and instead, become a slave to the production and sale of HFCS, because I am a slave to my campaign donors.

And I utilized corn syrup as an example, but really it is any industry... Politicians are slaves to contributions. If they want clean energy, Big Oil comes after them... If they desire increased banking regulation, so as to protect consumer rights, the big banks will be up in arms... If they try to take Nicotine off the shelves, they’re up against “Big Tobacco.”

You see, we don’t live in the United States of America. We live in the United States of Corporate America.

Therefore, any good cause that a politician would like to pursue, can only be pursued but so far, because somewhere on the other side of that issue, there is a giant corporation or industry, earning billions of dollars in revenue. And that corporation or industry will vehemently oppose.

And there is only one way that I can to rectify this. And that is by effectively eliminating the influence of the Family farms in Iowa, the big banks in NY, Big Oil in Texas, big health Insurance, Big Tobacco, and every other organization who currently possesses a lobby in Washington… And if we did, we would quickly find that elected officials would become emancipated. They would now be free to legislate with their conscious & their hearts, as opposed to with their wallets & their purse strings

So the question now becomes; how can we remove the burden of this influence?

Wait for it… … … That’s right. “Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents Plan”

We can remove the burden of this influence by removing Corporate Donor-ship, and subsidizing that money by collecting an additional $4.16 from even tax payer in America.

You see, there are 300 million people in America. Consider for a moment, that 1/3 of these people pay taxes. That is 100 million people. Take 100 million people and multiply by 100 dollars per tax payer, per year. What do you get? A hefty annual sum of 10 billion dollars.

10 billion dollars per year is an adequate amount for every politician; local, state & federal to run their campaigns.

So why $4.16? Well, Most people get paid bi-weekly. Some people get paid weekly, some monthly, others, on a different schedule. But most people bi weekly. That’s 24 pay periods per year.

$100/24 pay periods = $4.16 per person per paycheck…  A nominal sum that most people, even the working poor, can afford.

And of course I’m not an economist. And my Four Dollars & Sixteen Cents plan is probably oversimplified. But until we can remove this burden of raising donor money, from our elected officials, we cannot effectively restore the integrity of the Democratic process, and our country will continue to experience the polarizing Beltway divide that has sunk our economy to our historical depths.

                                                           "Whats she havin'? Fish-Fillet" - Kanye West, W.T.T